The Fog

I feel like a 'fog' of sorts has finally lifted. I feel the pain easing up and my world feeling brighter. Last week was the first time I have felt truly happy. Maybe it's just the holidays and that my life is busier than usual so I don't have time to think about it constantly, but I hope not I hope I am healing.

I am finally able to see people instead of pregnant bellies and I am feeling so grateful to have this 'borrowed' time with Brent and Lucas. We have some very fun things coming up this next year and some not fun things but will be easier to do without a new baby in tow and I am happy to get them done now to make my future life easier.

And Lucas, O my gosh. He is growing right before my eyes. He is still a baby, my baby and I can feel God's plan in all this sometimes. Lucas needs me right now, all of me, all of Brent and I both. He is going thought 'stages' that no one told me about and I know he is just learning and testing and trying to figure it all out. I want to be there for him to help him to try my best not to get short or upset with him for things.

Don't get me wrong I want more babies and we will have more but right now I'm starting to feel why He is saying 'just wait, not time yet' and I can live with that.

I am finally able to talk with friends and family about their pregnancies and can feel truly happy for them not the fake happy I was trying for. It feels really good. I am starting to feel whole again.

Some days I miss being pregnant more than others, some days I am thankful I'm not pregnant right now. ha!

Time DOES heal all wounds, I'm starting to believe that too. This has been a journey I wouldn't wish upon anyone yet I am still grateful it happened. I've learned so much, experienced so much, relationships have been tested and survived and others have not. But I am reminded it's His plan and I will be better for it.