Thursday Tidbits!

• Two posts in one week! I can't even believe it! ha!
• This week has been very emotional for me. With Lucas turning five and then tonight a few of my sweet friends are putting on a little get together to celebrate the arrival of baby Lane, just so much going on and all happy but I am still so weepy about it all.  
• I can't believe we only have one more day of February left! This year just started and I already feel like it's going so fast!
• Lucas had a great birthday party at the monkey house last Thursday and a good little family gathering at our house on Tuesday night. He told me yesterday he was tired of partying! haha!
• Blogging has seriously been put on the back burner, I hate that but life is so busy right now I guess it's always the first to go.
• We are 36 days away from meeting baby Lane. I can not even believe it.
• I LOVE being pregnant but I can feel the 'wind down' coming. Clothes are getting harder to wear, I can't walk without getting out of breath, house work is getting much trickier to do. I can feel myself starting to want my 'old' body back. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks though. They will be so SO bittersweet for so many reasons.  
• I guess that's all I have for today. I feel like I have so much more to say but words fail me. I guess 'pregnancy brain' is a real thing! ha!

New Year and a Resolution!

We had a really good Christmas (need to get post up soon!) and a pretty good New Years.

Brent has been working some crazy hours so it's been a little tough without time off to just relax.

Luke and I drove to Conway to stay with him for New Years, that was really fun. We ate at Table Mesa and it was amazing! Best mexican food I've ever had!

I still can't believe it's a new year and I'm still having a hard time remembering to write 2014 on things.

I am very very excited about the coming the year, obviously. Baby Lane will make his appearance in a few short months, we have so much to get ready for him but in the same breath I feel more than ready for him. I feel like I have been waiting on him a long time :)

This year also holds a lot of change. Change scares me more than anything else in the world. I am not good with change, hence only having 3 jobs and living in 4 homes my entire life. I am a girl of habit.

But this year will bring some very big changes to my family and to me as a person. Good ones, don't get me wrong. Ones I have longed for and prayed for but change none the less.

So my word for 2014 is inevitably CHANGE. I will have to get used to a new life. One with two boys. One with twice the love yet twice the responsibilities. I am excited yet scared too.

In thinking of my life last year and the coming year I have made my new years resolution to be more present in my home. As embarrassing as it is to say social media sometimes takes over my days. Yes my days. I find myself on in all.the.time. There has been more than once that Brent and I will be watching a movie or t.v. show and I will be on FB and he gets upset because my phone light is making it distracting for him. 

I have wrote about this before but still struggle to find a good balance.

I know it's because I am a social person that I have this problem, I love chatting with ladies about things on Facebook I love looking at pictures of cute kids on Instagram I love sharing my own life with others. But most days I have been so distracted with FB and Instagram I am ignoring the people I love the most. The ones in my home who are right there needing and wanting my attention, and who deserve it more than anyone.

So my 'plan' (I use that term loosely because it will have to evolve over the coming months do to some changes *see above ha!) is to stay off social media in the evenings. During the day (at work) I can get on as much as my heart desires but once I am in my car leaving for the day, it's done. I will allow myself to answer texts and phones calls in the evenings but just not get on FB and such. Once I am at work the next morning I will be back on :) I am still unsure of my weekend 'plan' but I feel like weekdays are a good place to start.

Also I will stop biting my fingernails! This has been my resolution for about 10 years and I am still working on it! ha!

So do you have any resolutions? What does the year have in store for you?

Thursday Tidbits!

It's been a full week this week with a busy weekend to follow! Lucas will get to be the ring bearer in a friends wedding on Saturday! I can't wait to see him all dressed up :)

Wednesday he had a field trip to the pumpkin patch with his class! We had so much fun! Love seeing him and all his little friends together.

Before we went on the field trip he got to come to my office for a little bit. He loves going there and seeing the "girls". He drew lots of pictures. ha!

Tuesday was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I thought a lot about the past year of my life that day. I saw lots of tributes on FB and Instagram that kept reminding me as well. As hard of a day as it was this year it cannot even compare to how I felt last year. I had just lost my 2nd pregnancy and was in such a dark place. If someone would have told me last year where I would be this year I probably wouldn't have believed them but I guess that's what makes life so much sweeter. God knows your story but you don't. You have to live everyday praying that He leads you where you need to be. I know one day I will hold my sweet little ones and that will be a good day.

My truck is STILL in the shop. Hopefully I will get to pick it up today! That's all I have to say about that! ha! 

Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized I am exactly one month away from being 20 weeks pregnant with this sweet baby. And while I am going through all the motions of a pregnant girl I still cannot believe this is happening. I am amazed every single day I look in the mirror or look at my pregnancy app. Sometimes I get the feeling everyone is sick of me saying that "this isn't real to me yet" but I can't help it! It's exactly how I feel. I think of things like I only have '5 more house payments to make until baby comes',' I won't have a birthday at work next year',' I won't have to take off work for our Branson trip next year','this is Luke's last Halloween, Christmas, birthday that he is an only child'. I am just amazed God is giving me another chance and that everything is going so well I am not taking any of this for granted. 

I wore my first pair of fleece lined leggings yesterday and WOW they are amazing! I wanted some last year but never got around to buying any. I am so glad I found these online, I can see myself living in them for the fall and winter months :)   

Brent got offered to be the first to take on a new kind of job at work. He will have lots of training to do but it will be a great opportunity! He is so good at what he does, I am just so proud of him!!

That's about all I can remember :) ha!

Roper Baby #2!

On July 24th my carefree summer came to a screeching halt.
I got a positive on a pregnancy test.
To say I was elated is and understatement. I was also scared and worried but I just knew this baby would make it. We did everything right. I had tests ran, we waited 8 months between pregnancies, and I just didn't think God would put us though that once again.

Two days later I started spotting. {friday}

I had already called my doctor the day before {thursday} and had been in for my first of many blood tests. The next morning {friday} I got a call from my doctor's office saying my levels were normal and to come in, in a few days {monday} to have them checked again. I told them of the spotting but at that point there wasn't much to be done. My levels were rising and that was the news they needed. 

I went in Monday and my levels were going up. But I was still spotting. They wanted me to wait a week before getting my levels checked again. I waited all week in agony and went in Saturday morning to get my final blood draw. I got my results Monday. That draw showed my levels rising as well but my progesterone was going down. They sent me that day for an ultrasound. 

Nothing much showed on the ultrasound, they wanted to confirm a heartbeat before starting supplements for the progesterone. They tell me we will wait a week and then we will try another ultrasound. At this point I am 5 weeks pregnant. 

This is the week we had planned our annual big family trip to Branson but Brent's mom ended up in the hospital and we couldn't go.

She passed away that Friday.

Through all the sadness, tears, long days at the hospital, still spotting, a weekend of exhausting pain this little one held on.

On Monday August 12th ultrasound confirmed baby has a heartbeat!! I will never forget those first few moments of seeing baby on the screen. I could've wept but the u/s tech kept me talking. I waited until the walk to my car to thank God and sob and call everyone.

I was completely shocked and so so grateful! The next day I started taking progesterone. The spotting subsided completely with the first dose, we had our answer right there. I went in the next Monday for another ultrasound and it showed a perfect 7 week baby. Heart beating away. 

August 27th I had my 4th ultrasound that showed baby looked great!

                 (Ultrasound at 8weeks, the last time they printed me a picture.)

To say that this pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride doesn't even describe it. Those 4 weeks of not knowing weather this little one would survive was torture on this momma. 

And for a month after that my anxiety continued to take over my days. Some days it was all I could do to be at work and be there for Lucas in the evening. I prayed for morning sickness everyday. I wanted  reassurance of some kind to tell me everything might be ok.

At 12 weeks I was able to find the baby's heartbeat on a home doppler so that truly helped ease some of my worry.

 At 13 weeks I had a doctors appointment and she brought in a portable ultrasound for us to see baby. He/she was moving all around and the doctor said everything looks great. She said from what she can tell "we are out of the woods" and I shouldn't worry anymore :)) A lot of my worry and fears eased up that day. We told Lucas that night that he was going to be a big brother and we left for Florida that Saturday. Our trip went well I was pretty worried about the plane rides and walking so much at Disney but all is fine! I turned 14 weeks our last day in Florida. 

I have my next doctors appointment on Oct 22nd and then Nov 19th we will have our 20 week ultrasound and know weather we are having a boy or girl. 

This all seems to be going by so fast and I am still consumed with fear sometimes. But I am starting to have less of that and much more times of joy and hope and peace. 

I will be 16 weeks on Friday. 16 weeks. 4 months! I just can't even believe it.
My tummy is getting big and I have been feeling baby move for a few weeks now and that is the absolute best! I know he or she is growing!  

My due date is April 4th.  

As much as I am thrilled to be given this new life I still mourn and think of my angel babies. I wonder if I always will or if eventually it will go away. I am sad I will never know their little personalities or what they would've looked like. I try very hard not to think about it but it still haunts me. This baby is a rainbow baby and while I know that is special I am still sad for my heart and soul to understand what that means.
  

I wanted to write all this down so I would never forget what the early days of this pregnancy looked like. I look back and wonder how on earth I got through those first days and weeks. I didn't miss any work and tried my best to keep my normal life. It was strength only God could give I am certain. I am truly grateful for that. I am grateful for the knowledge that came from all this. I will never look at pregnancy or babies or kids the same they are all amazing. I am grateful I found my answer in all this. I am grateful for my doctors office for taking the time to find out what we needed to do. And I am grateful for all the family and friends we had praying for us through this.

Today life is good. Sure we have things that come up and things are far from 'perfect' but those seem so minor to me after all this. I am just truly grateful God has given me another chance at pregnancy, I don't take that lightly. I am beyond thankful that Lucas will have a sibling and that our family will grow by two more tiny feet.  

Legacy....

I went to a funeral this morning to say goodbye to a very sweet lady. I hadn't seen her in what seems like a lifetime but once there and as the slide show played it was as if I was that little girl running down the way on early summer mornings to her house to play with her grand kids. 

 Robyn's, my childhood best friend, grandmother passed away this week.

I have had a lot of death come my way in the past few years. As sad as it is it's almost 'normal' to go to a funeral every 6 months or so. But this one really struck me. Maybe it's hormones or maybe I am finally feeling some sort of need to morn my own grandmother and mother in law, I'm not real sure. 

As I sat and listened to words spoke about Mary Francis I couldn't help but let big hot tears roll down my cheeks.

She lived for her family. That was it. Nothing more and nothing less. She loved her grand kids and took care of them. As did my own grandmother, my Mema S. They were both simple women. They didn't have any sort of 'higher' education. They worked hard to keep their homes nice and pretty. They were proud of what they had. All they needed in life to keep them happy was to see their family happy. Never speaking idle words of others and just not letting the small stuff get to them.

God always seems to know exactly what to put in my life at the right time. Yesterday I was struggling with fake persona's that people often put on. I was just at the point where I am/was tired of it. It's exhausting to listen too I can't even imagine how people live that way. But today I received a huge message to let it go.

Just let it go.

It isn't important.

I am not here to worry and wonder if someone is being truthful to me or not.

My husband and my child(ren) need me to be strong and happy. They come before all others. I support them in everything they do. I may not like to do everything they want to do (racing lol) but I am 100% supportive of  Brent and Lucas. 

I always want Lucas to see me being nice and kind to others. 

I want others to see Jesus through me and my family instead of having to 'preach' to them. I don't want to push and I don't want anyone walking away from a conversation with me feeling like less. 

That hurts me.

As I sat in that funeral home, that is across the street from my moms house thus meaning down the road from where Mary Francis lived many years, listening to her legacy I couldn't help but hope that when I am gone some of the same words will be spoke about me.

I hope my kids say she was our biggest fan.

I hope they say she enjoyed life even in the midst of hard times.

I hope my husband says she served me well.

I hope others say she was always kind to us.

I hope someone says I knew Jesus was real because she was in my life.

Those are big, huge sentences to me. They mean more to me than all the money in the world, than any career I could ever obtain, or than any social status I may think I need. 

I am not sure where exactly  I am going with all this. It just seems the older I get the more I truly understand what is important and what isn't. 

Life gets harder, more complicated, more frustrating but at the end of the day who do I want to be. Someone who relishes in that or someone who rises above it. 

Thursday Tidbits {no pictures edition}

• I don't have any recent pictures because Brent did my phone update last night and put all my pictures on the computer so I wouldn't have to delete some to take others, which is how I have been living for months! Who knew a phone could only hold 3000 pictures? ha!
• I am SO SO happy to see we have some cooler temps in sight! This weekend is going to be amazing! I am so looking forward to crunchy leaves, boots and fires! I absolutely cannot wait for Halloween this year! Love Love Love!!
• I officially started my Christmas shopping yesterday! I found some movies Luke had been wanting online for a good deal and snatched them up! I love putting movies in his stocking.
• Brent came home yesterday with great news! He got the promotion at work he had been working on. I am so proud of him! He works so hard for our family. 
• We are getting soooo close to trip time! We have kinda figured out what all we are going to do while there and this weekend  I will start packing! I can't wait to take Luke to the airport and see him on a plane.
• Lucas is really loving his class this year. His teacher is so fun and it's such a small class (8 kids) they get lots of one on one time with her.
• I guess my years are finally starting to catch up with me, my anxiety has been through the roof lately and I am starting to understand why people take medicine for things like this. I NEVER thought I'd understand "anxiety" and "worry" but sadly I am starting to. I have to remember prayer. It helps the most.
• Hoping for a date night tomorrow if Brent gets off work in time. I would love to go to Rolandos and to a movie :)

Have a great weekend!!



10 things....

On my mind right now!

1. This season is so busy! We have a lot going on, plans being made, and hard stuff to work through.

2. Luke has been doing so well with swimming lessons. I love love love watching him learn in the water!

3. We have two very fun trips coming up and sadly I feel like I am wishing my life away anticipating them. But I just can not wait!

4. Brent and I have been working on being more active. We have tried to really start going outside and doing something after dinner rather than just watch t.v. (which we LOVE to do). We went jogging one evening and biking the next. I know it's good for everyone. We get some exercise and Luke gets to burn some energy and we all get some good time away from our electronic devices.

5. Tomorrow we are taking my mom car shopping. This is exciting yet stressful and I'm sure it will be hot as well. Ick!

6. I am having an 'off season' Scentsy party right now. I usually only do these in the fall and spring but a friend asked me to be a guinea pig for a Facebook type party she is wanting to start doing. So I'm interested to see how this goes!

7. I had my first coke in few weeks today I couldn't even get though half the glass. Weird.

8. I have wanted to try Wen shampoo for a long time now. I would catch it on infomercial and be so intrigued. I found some on Amazon for much cheaper and decided to try it. So far I really like it. I've only used it for three days though. I'll have to do a better review once I know more.

9. Tonight we are going to see the new Monsters Inc. movie. Not sure who is more excited me or Luke! I love going to movies, maybe a little to much.... 

10. Life is good. Really really good. I am so thankful.

Faith.

I am not a worrier by nature. It is how I am able to stay sane when Brent isn't home at night. I am always thankful for this trait especially when I hear friends and family talk about how scared they are of things or how they worry all the time about things. That isn't me. I am rarely scared, I enjoy scary movies, haunted houses, I don't worry myself silly on a daily basis with all the awful things that could happen in this world.

But the past few weeks I have been worried. 

 I am worried sick about the time coming to think about another baby. I think how will I deal with another miscarriage? How will I get through the early weeks not knowing if everything is alright or not? How will I be the mom Lucas needs if I am consumed with fear for the baby I haven't even met?

What will I do if this happens or that happens? So on and on and on.

I am sick thinking about seeing a positive pregnancy test while it's what I have been aching to see for months now. How can this be? I want nothing more than to have a newborn in my arms but getting to that point is terrifying.

Can I trust God with this? Should I try and protect my family and myself by not going through with having more babies? Can I say "God have your will" and not worry about what happens right before or in the middle of vacations and holidays and life going so smoothly.

Because at the end of the day that is what all of this is about is trust. Trust in Him, trust in myself.

I have lots of fear with this but what I also have is faith. I have a whole bunch of faith that the fear is trying to squash!

I won't let it.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thursday Tidbits!

• Did you hear me say in my last post we are going to DISNEY WORLD!! I am SO excited! Well that probably is an understatement I have been utterly consumed with planning our day at Disney. Last night I had to laugh when Brent said "you know you need to start looking for things in Tampa, where we will be the majority of the week." Ha! I had kinda forgot about that part! I am trilled to go to the beach as well but there is just something so so special about taking Luke to Disney! We aren't going until the last of September so we have a few months to get everything planned out and we'll need every single day.

• Other things going on this week.....we went to tumbling class Tuesday night. I think Lucas is really liking it. He gets very excited to go and does what his teacher says for the entire hour and is happy afterward so that is reassuring. He is the tiniest one out there on his night and it is just so fun to watch!

• Next week we start swimming lessons for 2 weeks. I can't wait to see him learn more in the water! I feel so blessed that I am able to give him these actives that will hopefully enrich his life. I love nothing more than watching him learn new things.

• Brent has been gone some this week so it's just been me and little man for a few nights, last night we had a movie party complete with popcorn, we watched Up. That movie gets me every time. I have to try hard not to cry when it shows the couple going through their life and things don't go how they plan it.

• Lucas has the best tan lines where he wears his flip flop. The cutest thing!

• I can't believe I forgot to put this in my birthday post, my sister in law gave me these neat flowers! They are so pretty and I still can't figure out how they got the color on them....

• Also the other night I opened one of my bottles from the winery. This stuff is so yummy! I'm not sure I'll ever drink much of anything else. Tastes so similar to champagne :)

• And in other birthday happenings I still have my birthday dinner with my side of the fam this weekend! So looking forward to that! Then my birthday will officially be over and I have to accept the fact that I really am 26 :( ha!

• Welp that's the high points of my week so far! So happy today is already Thursday!!

June 1st!

It's June 1st!
JUNE of 2013! How on earth can this be?! This year is half gone!

I turn 26 in 7 days! You knew this post was coming, didn't you? Ha!

Yesterday on my way to work I ran out of gas. I know SO stupid! I thought I could make it, I was pushing the limits and being very immature. Not using my time wisely and all that jazz. Yes a week before my 26th birthday I ran out of gas.

I can't wait to tell my kids that one!

Thank goodness for my trusty Uncle and his sidekick Drake to bail me out. I didn't get the lecture I was expecting but I guess when one is about to be 26 what can you say? I was ever so grateful I had already dropped Luke off at school because I can't imagine his questions.

The police got involved and everything. Embarrassing. For. Real.

And as I sat and waited for my Uncle and some gas I was thinking about things. At first I went to "this is so awful, why did I do this, I am so mad at myself, how could I be so stupid"

But then something hit me and I thought this isn't that bad. I have someone to call, I don't have Luke with me, I made it over the railroad tracks, it's not raining, and a nice officer stopped to put his lights on behind me so no one would hit me.

It could've been much worse and so with that I had a good laugh at myself and went on with my day.

But all this to say that age is truly just a number I am still certainly no "grown up" I act that way most of the time but I am still learning with the best of them!

So....

Happy Birthday Week to me!!

All in. {On my heart}

The other night Brent told me "you were made to be a mother".

And it was honestly the best thing I have heard in a long time. It's all I've wanted to do. I never had any admirable dreams while in high school or collage (the two semesters I went). My main goal in my late teens early twenties was to get into a career that would allow me to grow and would provide for a family. So that's what I did. My job at the bank has been a huge blessing for me and my family.

When I was a little girl I would play with Barbies. I would fill my barbie house with furniture, decorations, lots of pets, and always at least 4 kids. I've always dreamed of a big family. Something I didn't have growing up. I've always wanted  a loud, messy house full of critters and lots of babies.

I want to be the one to take my kids to school, pick them up, be home with them all summer, take them to activities and so much more. I want to be there to see my kids grow. This isn't to say I won't ever 'not' work. I still need work and friendships and accountability in my life, it's a big part of who I am but I can see where my life is changing.

My mind is more on Lucas than it ever has been before, I want to focus on him and also I want to be there for other kids in my life as well. The birth of Emmy has really shifted me. I really don't have words to explain it. I hope I will one day because it's pretty awesome and only something shaped by God.

For the first time I feel 'all in' I am ready to commit my life to raising my kids. I am ready to grow our family and to love every step of the way while doing so. Even if that means more heartache. I am ready Lord for your will. I have faith and I have love.

Thursday Tidbits!

• It has been a busy week! With Emmy's birthday, tball, dinner with friends and a play date we have been going every night! And it won't stop for the weekend either! But it's a good kind of busy, seeing people we love :)

•  Yesterday Emmy and momma got to go home! We are so thankful that Emmy is doing so well and eating great! What an answered prayer! I got to help pack her up to head home and that was so special for me. I am just so smitten with her.

• And more Emmy pictures because my phone is FULL of them! ha!

•  We had a tball game Tuesday night and in the middle of the game Lucas came over and asked if we could go to the pizza place afterward. How do you say no to that?! Brent helped coach 2nd base this week and then stayed on the field when the other team bat as well to help out and Lucas really loved that! He is a big momma's boy but when it comes to play time he is all daddy's!
•  
• We had such a fun dinner with some friends last night, I am SO sad I didn't remember to get a picture! Hate when that happens!

• Hope you all have a great weekend! Ours will consist of a carnival, a BBQ, lots of baby snuggles, and some rest :)

Thursday Tidbits!

• I can't believe I've let two weeks go by with out a tidbits post! ha!

• My new niece will be here Monday! We are all so excited and praying for a healthy delivery.

• I've been a little under the weather this week, nothing major just allergies I guess or could've been the 60 degree temperature change last week! Lucas was so sweet the other night and told me 'I'll take care of you, momma'. He is just the best :)

•  This week we have been playing outside a lot, going for walks down to the school to play on the playground, and playing T ball it's been great! Loving the sunshine!

• Barre class in going very well, I am already seeing results after just 3 classes in my legs! I am thrilled!

• My mom's birthday is today so we are taking her out to dinner tonight and then having a cookout this weekend at my uncles house. Yay for birthday's and birthday cake :)

• When we went to eat on Saturday night there were tons of kids out in prom get-ups. They were so fun to watch and I couldn't help but count up the years until Luke would be doing the prom thing. My word time goes by fast! My momma heart breaks when I think of such things.

• This weekend we have some fun stuff going on. A Monkey House birthday party, a bbq, dinner with cousin Waylon. And some not so fun stuff like yard work!

• That's all I got :) Have a great weekend friends!

Life {Lately}

I am not sure why I feel the need to give these 'life' updates. I know I have all of 2 readers and they probably don't even make it though these little gems but I think looking back these might be my favorite posts just to see where we are today, this week, this season.

Life is good. I mean really good. Not everything is perfect but I am grateful for my life and how it is unfolding. In fact it's astonishing to me.

Brent has been out of town since last Tuesday. I usually don't like to put it out there that he isn't home, I know it's not safe but this is a big deal right now. He isn't scheduled to be home until Friday evening. I am truckin right along trying to keep Luke's life pretty normal except his missing other half. This is the first time in over a year that he has been gone more than a few days so I am defiantly counting my blessings. We Facetime with Brent at least once a day so that helps so much!

Other than that we are just living life. Lots of going going right now which has been a blessing in disguise since Brent's not with us. Luke does not do well cooped up in the house. Like. at all! So every evening I make sure we have something to do. Tball is tonight. Last night we went to walmart then home to play outside. Tomorrow we might go to Pawpa's house, it's just little things but it keeps us going and from getting sad at home.

Lucas is doing so well in school! He can read around 10 words and knows so much with is letters. He can tell you what letter a word starts with when you ask him. He is also doing better with discipline this 2nd half of the year and he is doing great at telling others his feelings and not crying or hitting back if someone is doing that to him. Every night he wants to read about Jesus and brings me his little bible and we read some stories from it. He will tell people "God wants our hearts" and tears slip (from me) everytime. I hope he is always such a bright light.

Tomorrow is May and I can't even believe it! I am so beyond excited for this summer! I am looking forward to family trips, afternoons at the pool, tan legs, rides in the Mustang, lots of reading, yummy drinks, and maybe just maybe the promise of a sweet baby to grow our family.

Monday we close on our new home loan and while I not sure how big that is for other people it's huge for us. We have worked so hard and with the help of Brent's sweet Granny we will be at a place I never even dreamed of at age 25. It still takes my breath away. I will able to be at home, raising my kids, taking them places, not having to worry about how will I get them here or there and I hope I can help other moms as well. I would love nothing more than to have my Tahoe chalk full of loud kids after school.

I have found an amazing since of myself these past few months. I know the Unglued bible study was put in my life at a perfect time. I learned while I am rarely "unglued' with other people it is me that I get unglued with. Sure I do take things out on Brent and even Lucas sometimes but other than that I just wasn't being me. I was so hurt and so lost and so sick of living inside of myself my actions were reflecting how I feel. I don't want that, that isn't me.

I have rekindled a friendship that I thought was lost and that means the wold to me. I hope I can be a light for Him and I just want to help others who are lost or are going through a hard time.

So that's about it. Life is full and good and hard yet so hopeful. I say it all the time but I am so blessed.

On Facebook.....

http://www.thedailytay.com/2013/03/on-growing-apart.html

Read it and weep! I kinda did. It's SO true.

10 things you {may} may not know about me!

Taking this idea from my dear friend Desiree. I don't have anything to blog today so I thought this would work!

1.  I am neither a night owl or a morning person. If I had my way I would get up at 9 and go to bed at 9. ha!
2. I do 90% of mine and Luke's clothing shopping online. It can be hard on sizing (for me) but I stick to the stores I know. This saves me so much time and energy. I honestly couldn't tell you last time I went 'shopping' that didn't involve the walmart or target.
3. I love secular music (as Tonia calls it ;) I have tried very hard these past few years to mix more good with the bad but often my little finger is inching over to turn the dial. I try and keep this dirty little secret to myself most times. I do love air1 and try and listen to that most of the time I certainly don't want Luke hearing anything ummm yucky. I do want him to learn about all types of music but rap is something I wouldn't mind sheltering him from. What a hypocrite I am! Moving on....
4. At the ripe ol age of 25 I think I have finally found what works for me in the hair department. I need to leave well enough alone. Brown hair works, long hair is easy, and layers give it some sort of style. Short hair is not for me and bangs are still undetermined. ha!
5. My dream job would be working in a halfway house or rehab with drug and/or alcohol addicts. I hope to get to do this once I am done having kiddos and such. I have a huge heart for these people and I do believe it is what God has called me to do.
6. I will turn 26 this year and I am sad I haven't accomplished more. I try and remember I am still young and in some ways I have done a lot for myself but it's still weighs on me.
7. I would rather stay home and do laundry with the windows open watching 48 Hours Mystery on a Saturday than be anywhere else. I am weird.
8. Brent and I are complete opposites but it works out very well. I also think we are taking on each other's strongest traits. We often joke that in 50 years we will be the same person! haha!
9. I have a horrible black thumb when it comes to house plants. Flower bed plants I am good with but house plants I cannot keep alive. I do have one that Luke and Brent gave me for mothers day 3 years ago that still looks good but other than that I am bad!
10. I was raised by my mom and my Mema (mom's mom). Looking back I am so grateful for this. I learned things from my Mema on a daily basis that most girls don't get the chance of learning from their grandmothers. I learned lots about 'keeping house' as she would say. I learned how to be a lady. I learned to always give someone the benefit of the doubt. I learned to work hard. And I learned your babies are your everything. I miss her dearly.

That's it! I hope you will play along and tell me 10 things about yourself :)

Thursday Tidbits!

• Lucas had his first tball game on Monday night. He did pretty good. He had fun and didn't cry so that is a win in my book! So far his favorite parts of tball are the snacks and cheering for who ever hits the ball (his team or the other)  hitting off the tee and the playing in the dirt. So I say all in all we are doing pretty good ;)
• Lucas also had his spring program at school this week. Now this is something he can get into. He loves being on stage and making people laugh and he did not disappoint on Tuesday night. He makes me so proud!
• I got my hair cut yesterday and finally made the ever so hard decision to get bangs. I am still unsure if that was a smart move but I think it will be a live and learn experience for sure! And as we have learned in bible study if not liking my hair is the worst to happen to me this week then that is good with me!

I like them better pushed over like this.

But mostly I like them like this. lol!

• Sometimes I forget how good I have it. Sometimes all it takes is a text from a friend or family member to put it all into perspective. My heart hurts for those who don't have a supportive family, loving spouse, or healthy kids. I want to remember to count my blessings every single minute but life so often gets in the way. It is such a hard balance.
• This week has been a loooooog week. Work has been brutal and we've been so busy in the evenings all week. I am looking forward to the weekend so much!
• I am also looking forward to barre on Saturday! I've been sore most of the week but that is ok! My legs will look amazing for it ;)
• I am trying really hard to get healthier, I'm not to concerned with my eating as much but I want to get back exercising, drinking water, and taking my vitamins. Hard stuff y'all!
  

• Brent finally found a new (to us) truck! We are so excited it is so nice and being a mega cab it has more room in the backseat than my Tahoe! It will be great for long rides to the track and I kinda can't wait to drive it some too :)

• I had something kinda fun/funny happen to me yesterday (besides the bangs, I'm not able to laugh at that yet lol!) Luke and I had a playdate fall threw yesterday so we went to the park to play for a bit. Another lady and her 2 girls where there playing. I sit down and am browsing through my phone on FB and see that Laura (the lady that helps take care of Brent's mom) was tagged in post that said something like "waiting on Laura at Bell Park" and I thought hey! I'm at Bell Park! so I look over and I ask if she is waiting on Laura and she was! It was kinda neat. Luke got to play with is best friends Zoe and Tyler and he made a few new ones. I got to chat with Laura and made a new friend too. Love when fun stuff like that happens :)

• Please keep my sister in law in your prayers, she is having a hard time with her blood pressure and isn't due with baby Emmy til the end of May. We are praying she can make it a few more weeks before they have to take the baby.

Thursday Tidbits!

• We close on our new home loan on May 6th, I'll be the first to admit that it's not near as exciting as the first time but yay for a lower interest rate!
• Saturday we will be at the racetrack most of the day. The racetrack isn't really my thing but Brent is my thing and I like to show my support every now and then. I don't say it much but I am grateful Brent has a hobby he is passionate about.  So I'm gonna bring my chair and book and sit in the sun, let Luke play in the dirt and eat cheese burgers from the concession stand :)
• ALSO on Saturday morning I am going to a barre class. I'm pretty excited but just about as scared. A friend from work has been going for a while now and they just opened a Saturday class (which is the only one I can make) hopefully I'll be able to make it though it without dying! ha!
• Bible study was so good this week. The ladies and the book are just so good for my soul right now. I am learning so much. I am feeling so blessed by it all. Chapter 9 really hit home for me, so so good. God is so good!
• We have tball practice tonight and Luke's first game is Monday. We'll miss Tuesday's tball game for his spring program at school. Busy season!
• Since it is now April (crazy) I can't help but think about July coming just around the corner and what that means or may not mean for my family. I'm not sure what the 'approprite' amount of info is to share on this subject so forgive me if it's too much, but we have planned for a while that July would be the month we start trying for another baby.That will have given my body 9 months 'off' which I still think is/was the best thing we could/can do. I am getting less scared and more excited as each day passes. I want to hope for the best but plan for the worst. I am praying all goes well but it's hard to trust my body so what I need to work on is trusting God. He knows what we need and He has our plan already laid out. This could be my biggest challenge yet. I could go on and on about this but I won't.
• On a lighter note or shall I say darker, I colored my hair last night! Kinda on a whim but not really. I've had the box of brown bought for over a month but just never found the time or was scared to take the plunge but last night I did it! I am loving it! A fun little change and the best part hardly anyone has noticed that means it must look pretty natural :) I still need to go in for a cut too I'm sure missing my hair girl.
• I guess that's it. Life is so good, we are truly blessed!

Bible Study.

Ya'll.

I had to write this today. Not tomorrow, today. I wanted to write it last night. I was up all night I just couldn't turn my brain off. Well that and my sweet puppy (who is not so sweet barking at 1:00am) just won't hardly stay in his crate anymore but that's a story for another day.

Let me just say I am not a bible study type of girl. I'd never done one before and honestly never thought about it until Tonia started talking about leading one. I prayed for her if it was Gods will that she would take on this challenge and if it was also in His will that I might attend.

Then she announced the book she would be doing it over and I just knew I had to be there.

You see I have been a very simple christian for the past few years. Sure when it's comfortable and easy I am a stand up believer in Christ. But when I wasn't sure if I would be judged or put down or thought of differently I would remain quiet. I never did the hard stuff. I never tested myself. I tried the small group route at church 3 times and since that wasn't my niche I just quit I guess.

And if I am being honest up until my miscarriages I really wasn't talking with God much at all. He was always on the back burner. I knew He was there, I believed in Him but wouldn't take time out of my day to have a relationship with Him.

My life was good I didn't have anything to 'work thru' I didn't have emotional or relationship problems. My husband and I had a perfect courtship, engagement, and marriage. Luke is perfect. Our family was fine with the exception of losing our grandmas and his mom's Alzheimer's. But still nothing that we were struggling with. I didn't feel like I needed  God.

Then I lost 2 babies.

I never in a million years saw that coming but I am for certain that God gave me those babies for such a short time so that I would reach out for Him. He knew I needed him. He knew the woman I was hoping to be wouldn't surface without His grace. He knew I needed a few hard lessons.

I am not saying God gave me those babies and took them back to be mean or hurt me but I think we all have a point in our lives where we turn to Him with wreck less abandon and most times that is when we are truly struggling. When we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

 This study is opening up doors and windows I never even dreamed of. It's showing me a relationship I knew nothing about. It's just been so good.

I am blessed with the time and resources to attend. I am blessed that Tonia is such a great and real leader. I am blessed with another chance to claim my Christianity.

I have so much room for improvement. I cannot count the ways I want to be a better person. It's hard to make the choices to do good every single day. And I don't always. But I want Lucas to see me have a relationship with God, I want to answer his questions when they come, I want to show him that no matter what he is loved most by his maker.

How could I do that without His everlasting Grace? I need Him.