On my heart....

Life has been so busy this season. I don't love it or dislike it I am just glad to be in it.

I don't even necessarily mean busy like go,go,go just busy thinking and reflecting, living and being thankful for this amazing time.

I don't even know where to begin with everything that has been going on lately. We've been snowed in (without power), Lucas had his Christmas concert, we have all been feeling baby Lane kicking, we have been buying baby stuff to get ready, I have been Christmas shopping like crazy, we've had birthday parties, Christmas parties, movie watching, and lots of things I am forgetting I am sure! I have pictures of it all but I wanted to write about something different today. 

Often things will remind me of how I felt this time last year. I was not so jolly and ready to take on the world. I tried to be happy for Luke's sake. I tried to keep up with the motions for the holiday season when all I really wanted to do was lock myself in my room and sleep the month of December away. I won't forget that feeling. I don't take this time in my life for granted. I am loving being pregnant. I love the aches and pains and the being able to complain about getting fatter, I love having to buy new clothes and I love that I may not be able to get in and out of my new Challenger in a few weeks.

I love to think about what my babies have taught me. Lucas being my first has taught me what it is to be a mom. He has brought more joy into my world than I ever could conceive. I was grateful to have him first he kept me going, he kept me smiling when nothing else could.

And Lane who I haven't even met yet has taught me all about hope. He has already shown me life can and will go on. I already have such a strong bond to him and I can't wait to see him, hold him, and love him to pieces. I will be a different mom to him as a newborn than I was with Lucas. I will cherish the tiny little things and I now know to not let the small stuff get to me, a crying baby does not mean the end of the world.

And then there are my sweet angel babies who I will never meet this side of heaven. Who I will never know if they were boys or girls, who I feel like I let down. I did not do my part. I am worried that knowing what I know now will forever haunt me. They have taught me more about God and Jesus than anyone on this earth. They made me need Him. They made me cry to Him and pray to Him.

Whenever I go to the doctor and I am being seen by someone other than my regular doctor they will ask me what number pregnancy this is. I say four and my heart skips a beat every.time. I don't get sad anymore hearing that question, I am always glad to acknowledge them. They changed my life and for them I am forever grateful.

I know I say the same things a lot about all of this but I don't know how else to get it out. I want to tell the world about my losses and how faithful God is but I don't know how so this is where I will start.  

So under all the fun nursery decor, bump pictures, excited texts and blog posts, and funny pregnancy conundrums this is always there and I am so SO grateful to be on this journey :)

  

Thursday Tidbits!

It's been a full week this week with a busy weekend to follow! Lucas will get to be the ring bearer in a friends wedding on Saturday! I can't wait to see him all dressed up :)

Wednesday he had a field trip to the pumpkin patch with his class! We had so much fun! Love seeing him and all his little friends together.

Before we went on the field trip he got to come to my office for a little bit. He loves going there and seeing the "girls". He drew lots of pictures. ha!

Tuesday was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I thought a lot about the past year of my life that day. I saw lots of tributes on FB and Instagram that kept reminding me as well. As hard of a day as it was this year it cannot even compare to how I felt last year. I had just lost my 2nd pregnancy and was in such a dark place. If someone would have told me last year where I would be this year I probably wouldn't have believed them but I guess that's what makes life so much sweeter. God knows your story but you don't. You have to live everyday praying that He leads you where you need to be. I know one day I will hold my sweet little ones and that will be a good day.

My truck is STILL in the shop. Hopefully I will get to pick it up today! That's all I have to say about that! ha! 

Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized I am exactly one month away from being 20 weeks pregnant with this sweet baby. And while I am going through all the motions of a pregnant girl I still cannot believe this is happening. I am amazed every single day I look in the mirror or look at my pregnancy app. Sometimes I get the feeling everyone is sick of me saying that "this isn't real to me yet" but I can't help it! It's exactly how I feel. I think of things like I only have '5 more house payments to make until baby comes',' I won't have a birthday at work next year',' I won't have to take off work for our Branson trip next year','this is Luke's last Halloween, Christmas, birthday that he is an only child'. I am just amazed God is giving me another chance and that everything is going so well I am not taking any of this for granted. 

I wore my first pair of fleece lined leggings yesterday and WOW they are amazing! I wanted some last year but never got around to buying any. I am so glad I found these online, I can see myself living in them for the fall and winter months :)   

Brent got offered to be the first to take on a new kind of job at work. He will have lots of training to do but it will be a great opportunity! He is so good at what he does, I am just so proud of him!!

That's about all I can remember :) ha!

Loss.....

Losing a pregnancy is a horrible and scary thing. My doctor doesn't see newly pregnant patients until around 12 weeks unless you have had a prior problem then you go in at 8 weeks. My periods have always been very regular so I know when I'm pregnant if I am a day late, that's how I've found out every single time so we had a 4 week wait until we could see the doctor. 4 weeks is a long time when you are full of anxiety.

But I still thought this time would be ok. Timing couldn't have been any better, an early June baby right around my birthday, a summer baby I've always wanted so we could do swim parties in the future and far enough from Luke's special day so they could both feel special.

We want another baby so bad, we are hurting that this one didn't make it but all we know to do is try again.

Last night was hard. After such a fun weekend, a great time with Luke at the pumpkin patch and movie yesterday it just hit me out of now where. I finally gave in to the feelings and the hurt. I took it out on Brent as I always do yet that made me feel worse. For a week I have tried SO hard to be grateful. I want to thank God for my healthy husband and son yet I am so mad that he has taken my babies from me. I know he can take me being mad at him and I know he listens when I am asking for help.

Today will be a hard day too and I know many more will come but I know I will also have good ones. Lucas is my complete joy, he makes my days great, being with him yesterday at the pumpkin patch and seeing him so happy and being so good to his friends makes my heart literally hurt with love. He is such an amazing little boy and I have to praise God for him even if I am hurting. Luke doesn't deserve a sad mommy.

So with tears in my eyes I have to do something different, I have to let people in, I have to burden them instead of holding it all in and crumbling down one day. I can't keep going on acting like nothing happened because something did happen, a tragedy in my family and we have to learn to live differently.

A Song for Saturday!

I am loving this song right now, I've listened to it a ton this week and at some moments it keeps me going. It's beautiful, I hope you go and find it and have a listen :)



Plumb- Need You Now



Well, everybody's got a story to tell


And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here



Chorus:

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh, I need you

God, I need you now.



Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise



Chorus:

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh, I need you

God, I need you now.





Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take



How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?



Chorus:

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh, I need you

God, I need you now.





I need you now

Oh, I need you

God, I need you now

I need you now

I need you now

Another one.....

I am not sure I will find the right words to put into this post so bear with me.

This Saturday I had another miscarriage. We are so hurt and confused by this.

With our last one the doctor was for certain that it was just a bad chromosome and it was a fluke thing. She told us to wait 2 months and we'd be fine.

2 months went buy and the next month I was pregnant again! We couldn't believe it happened that fast! I wasn't charting days or doing any OPKs it just happened! We were ecstatic yet apprehensive. A few weeks went by, we only told a select few people just to be on the safe side, we were nervously awaiting for our doctors appointment.

Then Saturday morning I saw the first signs and knew what was happening. I was so sad and angry! How can this be happening again! Why is this happening again? My pregnancy with Lucas was perfect, why can't I carry another.

The day went by and we tried to stay optimistic, Sunday morning I called the doctor and asked for some Progesterone, the hormone that sustains pregnancy, to see it that was the problem. I took 2 of the pills but it didn't help much, I think it was just to late.

Monday I went to the doctor and they confirmed the baby was gone. I knew it would be but needed to be told for certain.

I am scheduled for testing on November 6th. I am thankful they are going to do the testing and I am praying that nothing that can't be fixed is wrong.

I know God has a plan and I am ok with that, I am choosing to stay optimistic though this and I am truly learning what a precious gift babies are. Our time will come and that baby will be so very loved!

I am SO very thankful for Brent and Lucas, they keep me happy. I am thankful for good friends that I can talk to, and I am thankful for my heath and no pain.

Today I feel pretty good. I will be happy to get "life" going again without being so full of anxiety and I am ready to spend the holidays with my lovies.

Life is still SO good and I have SO much to be grateful for!

But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more
Psalm 71:14