On my heart....

Life has been so busy this season. I don't love it or dislike it I am just glad to be in it.

I don't even necessarily mean busy like go,go,go just busy thinking and reflecting, living and being thankful for this amazing time.

I don't even know where to begin with everything that has been going on lately. We've been snowed in (without power), Lucas had his Christmas concert, we have all been feeling baby Lane kicking, we have been buying baby stuff to get ready, I have been Christmas shopping like crazy, we've had birthday parties, Christmas parties, movie watching, and lots of things I am forgetting I am sure! I have pictures of it all but I wanted to write about something different today. 

Often things will remind me of how I felt this time last year. I was not so jolly and ready to take on the world. I tried to be happy for Luke's sake. I tried to keep up with the motions for the holiday season when all I really wanted to do was lock myself in my room and sleep the month of December away. I won't forget that feeling. I don't take this time in my life for granted. I am loving being pregnant. I love the aches and pains and the being able to complain about getting fatter, I love having to buy new clothes and I love that I may not be able to get in and out of my new Challenger in a few weeks.

I love to think about what my babies have taught me. Lucas being my first has taught me what it is to be a mom. He has brought more joy into my world than I ever could conceive. I was grateful to have him first he kept me going, he kept me smiling when nothing else could.

And Lane who I haven't even met yet has taught me all about hope. He has already shown me life can and will go on. I already have such a strong bond to him and I can't wait to see him, hold him, and love him to pieces. I will be a different mom to him as a newborn than I was with Lucas. I will cherish the tiny little things and I now know to not let the small stuff get to me, a crying baby does not mean the end of the world.

And then there are my sweet angel babies who I will never meet this side of heaven. Who I will never know if they were boys or girls, who I feel like I let down. I did not do my part. I am worried that knowing what I know now will forever haunt me. They have taught me more about God and Jesus than anyone on this earth. They made me need Him. They made me cry to Him and pray to Him.

Whenever I go to the doctor and I am being seen by someone other than my regular doctor they will ask me what number pregnancy this is. I say four and my heart skips a beat every.time. I don't get sad anymore hearing that question, I am always glad to acknowledge them. They changed my life and for them I am forever grateful.

I know I say the same things a lot about all of this but I don't know how else to get it out. I want to tell the world about my losses and how faithful God is but I don't know how so this is where I will start.  

So under all the fun nursery decor, bump pictures, excited texts and blog posts, and funny pregnancy conundrums this is always there and I am so SO grateful to be on this journey :)

  

Emmalyn Kay!

Yesterday we welcomed a sweet new baby girl into the family.

Lucas' new cousin Emmy! She weighs 8 pounds 2 ounces and is 19 inches long.

She was a big baby for being born 2 weeks early! She is so pretty and such a good baby :)

I am in auntie heaven! We are in love already!

Baby Bucket List

No I am not pregnant.

But we are in the early planning stages to get back on the baby wagon. We feel like summer might be the time. I am excited but also scared out of my mind but I have to just do it. I want need more babies and  I feel like giving my body 8 months off will have given us a fair shot.

Also this has been the plan all along to wait until Luke was 5 to give him siblings. I really do think my angel babies were sent to me to teach me, so I could grow as a mother. Looking back I had feeling when they were with me that they wouldn't stay. That may sound crazy but in my heart of hearts I know it's true.

So...

There are a few things I want to get done before we grow our family. Some practical and some are just things I really really hope we can accomplish.

• Wisdom teeth out- this is a must! I don't want to have to do this when I have two or more babies relying on me. Right now is easy, Brent can take care of Luke for awhile so I can recover. Date is set for March 9th pray for me.-done!
• Boudoir photoshoot- done! Yep you read that right! ha!
• A 'big' vacation for us 3- we are thinking a trip to Florida this late summer or fall.
• A weekend trip just Brent and I- I want to do this one more time, I'm thinking the more kids you have the harder it is to find sitters.
• Our major house renovations done- as in flooring, new exterior doors, extend our driveway, build Luke a loft bed, etc.
• Have blonde hair again- done!
• Lose 5 pounds- this speaks for itself. I want to do this but not sure it will happen, these last pounds from Lucas just won't budge!
• Save $10,000- we are planning on me staying home for a bit with our next baby/babies so I want to have a cushion for those things that may come up while I'm not working.
• Have $0 balance on all credit cards- I just think it's the responsible thing to do with going to a one income household.
•  Beef up our life insurance- again I think it would be a good time to do that.

And I am sure that other things will come up but these are the ones we have been planning on/for! If anything else comes up I will add it to the list!

Loss.....

Losing a pregnancy is a horrible and scary thing. My doctor doesn't see newly pregnant patients until around 12 weeks unless you have had a prior problem then you go in at 8 weeks. My periods have always been very regular so I know when I'm pregnant if I am a day late, that's how I've found out every single time so we had a 4 week wait until we could see the doctor. 4 weeks is a long time when you are full of anxiety.

But I still thought this time would be ok. Timing couldn't have been any better, an early June baby right around my birthday, a summer baby I've always wanted so we could do swim parties in the future and far enough from Luke's special day so they could both feel special.

We want another baby so bad, we are hurting that this one didn't make it but all we know to do is try again.

Last night was hard. After such a fun weekend, a great time with Luke at the pumpkin patch and movie yesterday it just hit me out of now where. I finally gave in to the feelings and the hurt. I took it out on Brent as I always do yet that made me feel worse. For a week I have tried SO hard to be grateful. I want to thank God for my healthy husband and son yet I am so mad that he has taken my babies from me. I know he can take me being mad at him and I know he listens when I am asking for help.

Today will be a hard day too and I know many more will come but I know I will also have good ones. Lucas is my complete joy, he makes my days great, being with him yesterday at the pumpkin patch and seeing him so happy and being so good to his friends makes my heart literally hurt with love. He is such an amazing little boy and I have to praise God for him even if I am hurting. Luke doesn't deserve a sad mommy.

So with tears in my eyes I have to do something different, I have to let people in, I have to burden them instead of holding it all in and crumbling down one day. I can't keep going on acting like nothing happened because something did happen, a tragedy in my family and we have to learn to live differently.

Waiting on number 2!

*I am going to try and be as honest and open as I can in this one :)

Many folks have asked me the question "when are you going to have another one?" I've had this question asked so many times lately, friends, co-workers, family, strangers (when I tell them I have a 3year old). The question doesn't bother me but it always makes me wonder if I/we are doing the right thing by waiting.

I have dreamed since I was little of having a big family, as a kid I would tell you I wanted 5 kiddos with a set of twins in there but as I became a young adult I quickly realized how much kids cost and that the chances of me "getting" twins was slim to none so I thought ok I'll settle for 4 but no less! I craved a house with lots of people, noise and excitement! I wanted my kids to always have a playmate in the home.

But then Luke was born via c-section and my number changed again. I think we will most likely stop at 3. I always say that with a smile because I would love nothing more than a 4th surprise :)

But enough of that, I am very ready and very excited to be pregnant again! I know how I want the future nursery, I know what double stroller I will buy, I know what names will be in the running but we are still going to wait awhile.

We will wait because we want time with Lucas, I want him to remember being our everything, and I still want to grow as a person and mom, I want time with my husband and time to do fun things that we couldn't do as easily with two. 

Since we had Luke so young (well I was young) we always said we were going to wait until he is around 5 to bring another baby on board. But with him getting so big and independent it can be hard at times to not have a "baby" anymore. And I crave to have a baby with me again, it's the weirdest feeling. I can't wait to do everything all over again.

Another thing we have had to think about is finances, naturally. I had a hard time with Luke going to daycare when he was a newborn. And I told myself never again. So in order to be in a spot where I can stay home for a bit with new baby/babies we have to get Luke out of preschool. It is a very expensive school and while I don't regret for a second having him there it definitely is a factor.

All of that to say,

This past year Brent and I have been very wishy washy on when to "try" for babe #2, after his accident we were really in a place where we saw life as not guaranteed and we thought maybe we were supposed to go ahead and have our kids closer together. We went 4 months thinking that way and I didn't get pregnant.

We did have a scare (if you can call it that) this past February and quickly realized this was not our time and to continue to wait.

We have made our timeline and will start really thinking about going for baby #2 this time next year. Which doesn't seem very far aways and really it isn't. So while I wait I will be soaking up every second of Lucas I can get, trying new things as a family and maybe get one more vacation away with Brent.

It's hard, this planning a family thing. I often wonder if we will regret waiting so long to give Luke a sibling, he asks for a baby sister all. the. time. But I know in my heart it's what is right for us and if God has other plans that's ok too :)

*all images from pintrest*

The Fever...

Ok all you seasoned momma's out there, I need help!!

How does one get over the baby fever!? O my gosh the past couple of weeks I have it bad! It's becoming all I think about! I mean how could I not want another on of those precious faces, but we don't NEED another right this second. I know, rarely do you get to plan what you need but I think it would be good for Lucas to get our full attention for all long as possible.

I just cannot shake these thoughts from my mind, I try to remind myself to be thankful for Lucas and enjoy him as we are, to enjoy our family of 3 and all things.And we have so much planned to do before we have another. But it doesn't seem to be working.

My brain keeps playing tricks on me and I am also scared to keep waiting in case it doesn't happen again, I know it's truly a miracle to be given a child and I don't take it for granted.

And as hard as it is I cannot wait to do all those baby things again, and again, aaaannd maybe again ;)

So there you have it what's on my mind right now, so if you see my head up in the clouds you will know what I'm thinking about.....

A New Week, A New Year, A New Baby!!

My very first Nephew was born yesterday! He was 6lbs 7 ozs and 18 1/2 inches long! He was born 3 weeks early and via C-Section due to a few small complications. But everyone is ok besides my sister in law, Kristin being in some pain of course.

Waylon Cash Cavillo!

Lucas seemed to like him until everyone started taking pictures of Waylon and not him. He had quite the meltdown. He has been the only baby on both sides of our family so that was all new to him to not be the center of attention. He did show Waylon his balloon but then someone said "O you want to give Waylon your balloon" and he quickly said No! Guess he was just showing it to him not giving it to him!

I see a lot of "boylike" fun in my future and I cannot wait!!