Loss.....

Losing a pregnancy is a horrible and scary thing. My doctor doesn't see newly pregnant patients until around 12 weeks unless you have had a prior problem then you go in at 8 weeks. My periods have always been very regular so I know when I'm pregnant if I am a day late, that's how I've found out every single time so we had a 4 week wait until we could see the doctor. 4 weeks is a long time when you are full of anxiety.

But I still thought this time would be ok. Timing couldn't have been any better, an early June baby right around my birthday, a summer baby I've always wanted so we could do swim parties in the future and far enough from Luke's special day so they could both feel special.

We want another baby so bad, we are hurting that this one didn't make it but all we know to do is try again.

Last night was hard. After such a fun weekend, a great time with Luke at the pumpkin patch and movie yesterday it just hit me out of now where. I finally gave in to the feelings and the hurt. I took it out on Brent as I always do yet that made me feel worse. For a week I have tried SO hard to be grateful. I want to thank God for my healthy husband and son yet I am so mad that he has taken my babies from me. I know he can take me being mad at him and I know he listens when I am asking for help.

Today will be a hard day too and I know many more will come but I know I will also have good ones. Lucas is my complete joy, he makes my days great, being with him yesterday at the pumpkin patch and seeing him so happy and being so good to his friends makes my heart literally hurt with love. He is such an amazing little boy and I have to praise God for him even if I am hurting. Luke doesn't deserve a sad mommy.

So with tears in my eyes I have to do something different, I have to let people in, I have to burden them instead of holding it all in and crumbling down one day. I can't keep going on acting like nothing happened because something did happen, a tragedy in my family and we have to learn to live differently.