On July 24th my carefree summer came to a screeching halt.
I got a positive on a pregnancy test.
To say I was elated is and understatement. I was also scared and worried but I just
knew this baby would make it. We did everything right. I had tests ran, we waited 8 months between pregnancies, and I just didn't think God would put us though that once again.
Two days later I started spotting. {friday}
I had already called my doctor the day before {thursday} and had been in for my first of many blood tests. The next morning {friday} I got a call from my doctor's office saying my levels were normal and to come in, in a few days {monday} to have them checked again. I told them of the spotting but at that point there wasn't much to be done. My levels were rising and that was the news they needed.
I went in Monday and my levels were going up. But I was still spotting. They wanted me to wait a week before getting my levels checked again. I waited all week in agony and went in Saturday morning to get my final blood draw. I got my results Monday. That draw showed my levels rising as well but my progesterone was going down. They sent me that day for an ultrasound.
Nothing much showed on the ultrasound, they wanted to confirm a heartbeat before starting supplements for the progesterone. They tell me we will wait a week and then we will try another ultrasound. At this point I am 5 weeks pregnant.
This is the week we had planned our annual big family trip to Branson but Brent's mom ended up in the hospital and we couldn't go.
She passed away that Friday.
Through all the sadness, tears, long days at the hospital, still spotting, a weekend of exhausting pain this little one held on.
On Monday August 12th ultrasound confirmed baby has a heartbeat!! I will never forget those first few moments of seeing baby on the screen. I could've wept but the u/s tech kept me talking. I waited until the walk to my car to thank God and sob and call everyone.
I was completely shocked and so so grateful! The next day I started taking progesterone. The spotting subsided completely with the first dose, we had our answer right there. I went in the next Monday for another ultrasound and it showed a perfect 7 week baby. Heart beating away.
August 27th I had my 4th ultrasound that showed baby looked great!
(Ultrasound at 8weeks, the last time they printed me a picture.)
To say that this pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride doesn't even describe it. Those 4 weeks of not knowing weather this little one would survive was torture on this momma.
And for a month after that my anxiety continued to take over my days. Some days it was all I could do to be at work and be there for Lucas in the evening. I prayed for morning sickness everyday. I wanted reassurance of some kind to tell me everything might be ok.
At 12 weeks I was able to find the baby's heartbeat on a home doppler so that truly helped ease some of my worry.
At 13 weeks I had a doctors appointment and she brought in a portable ultrasound for us to see baby. He/she was moving all around and the doctor said everything looks great. She said from what she can tell "we are out of the woods" and I shouldn't worry anymore :)) A lot of my worry and fears eased up that day. We told Lucas that night that he was going to be a big brother and we left for Florida that Saturday. Our trip went well I was pretty worried about the plane rides and walking so much at Disney but all is fine! I turned 14 weeks our last day in Florida.
I have my next doctors appointment on Oct 22nd and then Nov 19th we will have our 20 week ultrasound and know weather we are having a boy or girl.
This all seems to be going by so fast and I am still consumed with fear sometimes. But I am starting to have less of that and much more times of joy and hope and peace.
I will be 16 weeks on Friday. 16 weeks. 4 months! I just can't even believe it.
My tummy is getting big and I have been feeling baby move for a few weeks now and that is the absolute best! I know he or she is growing!
My due date is April 4th.
As much as I am thrilled to be given this new life I still mourn and think of my angel babies. I wonder if I always will or if eventually it will go away. I am sad I will never know their little personalities or what they would've looked like. I try very hard not to think about it but it still haunts me. This baby is a rainbow baby and while I know that is special I am still sad for my heart and soul to understand what that means.
I wanted to write all this down so I would never forget what the early days of this pregnancy looked like. I look back and wonder how on earth I got through those first days and weeks. I didn't miss any work and tried my best to keep my normal life. It was strength only God could give I am certain. I am truly grateful for that. I am grateful for the knowledge that came from all this. I will never look at pregnancy or babies or kids the same they are all amazing. I am grateful I found my answer in all this. I am grateful for my doctors office for taking the time to find out what we needed to do. And I am grateful for all the family and friends we had praying for us through this.
Today life is good. Sure we have things that come up and things are far from 'perfect' but those seem so minor to me after all this. I am just truly grateful God has given me another chance at pregnancy, I don't take that lightly. I am beyond thankful that Lucas will have a sibling and that our family will grow by two more tiny feet.
On Thanksgiving! 22 weeks. Before I ate to much! ha! And my hair looks to be growing just as much as the rest of me. Weird.
