On my heart....

Life has been so busy this season. I don't love it or dislike it I am just glad to be in it.

I don't even necessarily mean busy like go,go,go just busy thinking and reflecting, living and being thankful for this amazing time.

I don't even know where to begin with everything that has been going on lately. We've been snowed in (without power), Lucas had his Christmas concert, we have all been feeling baby Lane kicking, we have been buying baby stuff to get ready, I have been Christmas shopping like crazy, we've had birthday parties, Christmas parties, movie watching, and lots of things I am forgetting I am sure! I have pictures of it all but I wanted to write about something different today. 

Often things will remind me of how I felt this time last year. I was not so jolly and ready to take on the world. I tried to be happy for Luke's sake. I tried to keep up with the motions for the holiday season when all I really wanted to do was lock myself in my room and sleep the month of December away. I won't forget that feeling. I don't take this time in my life for granted. I am loving being pregnant. I love the aches and pains and the being able to complain about getting fatter, I love having to buy new clothes and I love that I may not be able to get in and out of my new Challenger in a few weeks.

I love to think about what my babies have taught me. Lucas being my first has taught me what it is to be a mom. He has brought more joy into my world than I ever could conceive. I was grateful to have him first he kept me going, he kept me smiling when nothing else could.

And Lane who I haven't even met yet has taught me all about hope. He has already shown me life can and will go on. I already have such a strong bond to him and I can't wait to see him, hold him, and love him to pieces. I will be a different mom to him as a newborn than I was with Lucas. I will cherish the tiny little things and I now know to not let the small stuff get to me, a crying baby does not mean the end of the world.

And then there are my sweet angel babies who I will never meet this side of heaven. Who I will never know if they were boys or girls, who I feel like I let down. I did not do my part. I am worried that knowing what I know now will forever haunt me. They have taught me more about God and Jesus than anyone on this earth. They made me need Him. They made me cry to Him and pray to Him.

Whenever I go to the doctor and I am being seen by someone other than my regular doctor they will ask me what number pregnancy this is. I say four and my heart skips a beat every.time. I don't get sad anymore hearing that question, I am always glad to acknowledge them. They changed my life and for them I am forever grateful.

I know I say the same things a lot about all of this but I don't know how else to get it out. I want to tell the world about my losses and how faithful God is but I don't know how so this is where I will start.  

So under all the fun nursery decor, bump pictures, excited texts and blog posts, and funny pregnancy conundrums this is always there and I am so SO grateful to be on this journey :)