On my heart....

Life has been so busy this season. I don't love it or dislike it I am just glad to be in it.

I don't even necessarily mean busy like go,go,go just busy thinking and reflecting, living and being thankful for this amazing time.

I don't even know where to begin with everything that has been going on lately. We've been snowed in (without power), Lucas had his Christmas concert, we have all been feeling baby Lane kicking, we have been buying baby stuff to get ready, I have been Christmas shopping like crazy, we've had birthday parties, Christmas parties, movie watching, and lots of things I am forgetting I am sure! I have pictures of it all but I wanted to write about something different today. 

Often things will remind me of how I felt this time last year. I was not so jolly and ready to take on the world. I tried to be happy for Luke's sake. I tried to keep up with the motions for the holiday season when all I really wanted to do was lock myself in my room and sleep the month of December away. I won't forget that feeling. I don't take this time in my life for granted. I am loving being pregnant. I love the aches and pains and the being able to complain about getting fatter, I love having to buy new clothes and I love that I may not be able to get in and out of my new Challenger in a few weeks.

I love to think about what my babies have taught me. Lucas being my first has taught me what it is to be a mom. He has brought more joy into my world than I ever could conceive. I was grateful to have him first he kept me going, he kept me smiling when nothing else could.

And Lane who I haven't even met yet has taught me all about hope. He has already shown me life can and will go on. I already have such a strong bond to him and I can't wait to see him, hold him, and love him to pieces. I will be a different mom to him as a newborn than I was with Lucas. I will cherish the tiny little things and I now know to not let the small stuff get to me, a crying baby does not mean the end of the world.

And then there are my sweet angel babies who I will never meet this side of heaven. Who I will never know if they were boys or girls, who I feel like I let down. I did not do my part. I am worried that knowing what I know now will forever haunt me. They have taught me more about God and Jesus than anyone on this earth. They made me need Him. They made me cry to Him and pray to Him.

Whenever I go to the doctor and I am being seen by someone other than my regular doctor they will ask me what number pregnancy this is. I say four and my heart skips a beat every.time. I don't get sad anymore hearing that question, I am always glad to acknowledge them. They changed my life and for them I am forever grateful.

I know I say the same things a lot about all of this but I don't know how else to get it out. I want to tell the world about my losses and how faithful God is but I don't know how so this is where I will start.  

So under all the fun nursery decor, bump pictures, excited texts and blog posts, and funny pregnancy conundrums this is always there and I am so SO grateful to be on this journey :)

  

Deep Breaths.

I rarely post on Saturdays, I try and save my weekends for family and cleaning house! ha! But I just had to get this out.

 

This past week my mind has not been my own. I have been utterly consumed with another baby. I have been so obsessive I have put my current baby on the back burner and I don't even know where my husband has been. This is tragic to me. I have said things to Brent that I wish I wouldn't have, I have made him feel like him and Luke are not enough. My heart breaks to type this.

They are more than enough.

 

Deep breath.

 

I guess with the recent news of my best friend starting to try to for baby #2 and around this time was the due date of my first loss I just can't stop thinking about it. I have numerous friends, my sister in law, and tons of 'friends' on facebook who are expecting and some days I just wish I was still pregnant too. To share my joy and post belly pictures along with the masses.

 

And truly deep down in my heart of hearts that is ok. I am ok with not being pregnant right now. I can see the bigger picture. I know one day I will be again and things will be best that way. But in the moment it isn't easy.

 

Today eating breakfast I cried talking about this with Brent. He can't understand why I am letting 'others' affect me this way. He says that is not me. And it really isn't but there is so much more to it.

 

Our 'plan' was always to wait until Luke was 5, our 'plan' is going along just swimmingly even though I have wished it wasn't. Why is our plan still going fine while everyone elses' isn't? 

 

Deep breath.

 

On the way home I was thinking of this post, when I got home I prayed. I asked Him to take this burden, I can't hold on to it any longer. I have to let it go for the family I have already been blessed with. I prayed and then I typed this up.  I want to have a good night with my husband. I want to have a fabulous summer with my sweet boy. I can't and won't do this to myself anymore. Anytime I feel a little sad, or left out, or jealous I will pray. I know I should have been doing this all along but I am not good at this stuff. This will not take over my life.

 

When the time is right I will get have more babies until then that will not be my main focus. I won't let it. Lucas is growing so fast and I want to really sink myself into him this year. He will be playing t-ball, we have lots of trips to go on, and lots of fun to have. I am so lucky my heart swells when I think of all my blessings I just wish my mind wouldn't run so far out of the loop!

 

Deep breath.

 

 

 

*if you got this far thinks for keeping up with me :) sometimes I feel like I am a revolving circle of emotions with all this.

Hope.

I stumbled upon this post this afternoon. I won't believe it was by happy accident.I feel like I could have written these words, how crazy is blogging sometimes?

 She wrote this in 2011 and I checked her about page and she has another baby. God is so good. I will let this be hope for myself. I will not let myself be sad today.

crazy awesome side note: she was featured for her book on my sidebar at a blog I read daily and I just didn't click it today. But was looking around at "what I wore wednesday" posts and one lead me to her anyway......wow!

Song for Saturday!

Super sweet song about miscarriage by Ed Sheeran

{Small Bump}
You were just a Small Bump unborn, in Four months you're brought to life,

You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your Mother's eyes,

I'll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, but for now you're scan of my unmade plans,

Small bump four months you are brought to life
and I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,

If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you
you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.
You're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.

With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.

Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.

And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months you'll open your eyes.
and I'll hold you tightly, and tell you nothing but truth,

If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

you are my one, and only.
and You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

and You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep, I'll leave you be.

Right in front of me for a couple weeks.
So I can keep you safe.
Cause you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.
cause You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.


Maybe you were needed up there but we're still un-aware as why

Today.

Today I am feeling good, fulfilled, and loved.

I have had some very good days lately. This weekend was really good, I can feel my heart softening about certain things. We had a family birthday party Saturday and I was not sad to see my sister in law. We went to Toys R Us and I even found and bought an outfit for my new niece Emmy, that was a pretty big deal, I think.

Sunday I did something I never in one million years thought I would ever have the courage to do, I felt empowered after that and beautiful and special.

I have been praying some, reading some, and listening to music a lot. Still haven't journal-ed but I am really hoping to try that soon too.

This brings me to yesterday. It was Monday and I think I've got some sort of head cold or allergies going on and I just wasn't feeling good. I talked with Brent this weekend about how I am not being the best I can be when it comes to relationships. I have not reached out lately to many people and I've felt I need to start doing that more. So I reached out yesterday and got my feelings hurt. It brought me down, really down. I feel like I am on a revolving door and keep getting smacked by it. I feel so vulnerable to others' words and that is such a awful feeling.

I know time heals all. I am still relying on time and prayer. I know I will be ok, I can feel myself coming out of this. I am very blessed and I know God loves me.

Last night Brent and I had a long conversation about how I am feeling and how others have reacted to our sadness. It's been a very hard road. I am still not "over it" as others sometimes make me feel like I should be. I know that is normal, I have read many books on the subject.

Brent is so positive about our future as a family and I am scared to death. I hope that fear leaves me.

I'm pretty sure my love language is quality time, I always feel so much better after talking to Brent, I am very blessed with a husband who cares about my feelings, I know that many women do not have that.

Getting away from facebook has really helped, gosh wish I would've done that months ago but goodness I'm so nosey and afraid I'd miss something! ha! What a joke!

Day to day I am really truly loving how my life has turned out. When I am home with my boys or out running errands or even at work I am loving being a family of 3, I am loving connecting with my husband on a level I had only dreamed of, I am loving all this time I get with Lucas without any distractions, I am loving having time for myself on the weekends. It's only when something on the outside reminds me that I have two babies in heaven that I feel sad. It's truly such a weird feeling to be so happy yet so sad.

I am still very hopeful for this year and I know we will be just fine, we have so much and I have to be grateful for that even in my healing.

Something more.....

Back in July I wrote this post. It was before I found out I was pregnant for the first time this year. While I still really feel that tug I am feeling something else too.

I have changed SO much in the last 6 months I don't even feel like the same person sometimes. It's the weirdest feeling but I am thankful nonetheless.

My oldest childhood friend recently lost her baby. I was heartbroken. I was at work when I received her text and I felt as if someone punched me in the gut. I just couldn't believe it. I kept thinking 'no, not her too' I knew the heartache she was going though and would face in the next weeks and I just couldn't bear the thought.

I feel like in a way I am on the other side of my 2 losses but to see someone close to you deal with the same thing so recent to yours is tough. Most of all I don't want her to feel alone.

I think that was the hardest part for me, feeling so completely alone. Sure I had Brent and he did the best he could but it wasn't his body. I was the one up for days straight dealing with 'things' in the dark just me and God. I remember being so angry with Him and not understanding what his plan was and why I was suffering so much.

I just don't want other ladies to feel alone during this, I want to do something. I don't know what though.

The past few days I've been reading a book called All That is Seen and Unseen: A Journey Though a First Trimester Miscarriage, Oh how I wish I would've known about this book when I was going though my miscarriages. I still can relate to so much with it. My feelings about it all were very parallel with the authors, I feel that I wasn't alone in my feelings and that is a gift.

The only thing I do know for sure it that I will not be silent about my losses. I want to remember my babies and how they have changed me. I want to share their lives with others so they may learn. If not for themselves maybe for someone else, miscarriage does not discriminate, it can happen to anyone.

When I was going though mine I was so quiet, I knew people did not want to hear about me losing a pregnancy, and I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I still have very close family that don't know about those babies and that hurts. I think that is the main problem, society teaches us to keep quiet about it, to deal with it alone in your home and act normal when around others. And while that sounds like a great plan it's just impossible.

My very first step will be to read other stories and educate myself. I can do that easy. I also want to find a support group or other organization to get involved in surrounding pregnancy loss, but most of all I want to be a good friend if others I know find themselves in this situation. If I can help someone else not feel so alone though something like this I feel it's all worth it.

The Fog

I feel like a 'fog' of sorts has finally lifted. I feel the pain easing up and my world feeling brighter. Last week was the first time I have felt truly happy. Maybe it's just the holidays and that my life is busier than usual so I don't have time to think about it constantly, but I hope not I hope I am healing.

I am finally able to see people instead of pregnant bellies and I am feeling so grateful to have this 'borrowed' time with Brent and Lucas. We have some very fun things coming up this next year and some not fun things but will be easier to do without a new baby in tow and I am happy to get them done now to make my future life easier.

And Lucas, O my gosh. He is growing right before my eyes. He is still a baby, my baby and I can feel God's plan in all this sometimes. Lucas needs me right now, all of me, all of Brent and I both. He is going thought 'stages' that no one told me about and I know he is just learning and testing and trying to figure it all out. I want to be there for him to help him to try my best not to get short or upset with him for things.

Don't get me wrong I want more babies and we will have more but right now I'm starting to feel why He is saying 'just wait, not time yet' and I can live with that.

I am finally able to talk with friends and family about their pregnancies and can feel truly happy for them not the fake happy I was trying for. It feels really good. I am starting to feel whole again.

Some days I miss being pregnant more than others, some days I am thankful I'm not pregnant right now. ha!

Time DOES heal all wounds, I'm starting to believe that too. This has been a journey I wouldn't wish upon anyone yet I am still grateful it happened. I've learned so much, experienced so much, relationships have been tested and survived and others have not. But I am reminded it's His plan and I will be better for it.

Thursday Tidbits

• I don't have many pictures from the week, shame shame.

• Tuesday I had my 'procedure' done where they x-rayed my uterus. It was not fun but I am glad I did it and glad it's over! The radiologist said everything looked perfect! That made it worth it! Of course my doctor will still look it over and I'll see what she says and what we need to do next.

• We are still thinking and talking about moving to Arizona. We kinda thought we wouldn't go a few weeks ago but it might just be to hard to turn down. Of course we have to get many details worked out and thought through. It excites me but terrifies me in the same moment. But at the end of the day we will do what is best for our family.

• I have been walking 4 miles three or four days as week these past few weeks! Going with a friend makes it so much more do-able and I am TWO pounds from my goal weight that I set at the beginning of the year!!! I've tried to make better eating choices too but I have not been strict on myself with that part, exercise really does help!

• Saturday Brent and I are going on a date! I'm very excited I think he was going surprise me but accidentally let it out. ha! He's taking me to Northwest Ar to my favorite place, On the Boarder. We're taking the Mustang and that will be so much fun too, can't wait to see all the pretty fall colors and spend some uninterrupted time with him.  I sure do love him, he is so good sometimes :)

• I can't believe that Thanksgiving is next week!! Wow this year has flown! I will be so happy to start a new year though.

• I had Luke's parent/teacher conference yesterday, and he is doing SO good! He knows so much it amazes me. His teacher had nothing but good things to say about him. This has been a hard year for Lucas at school, he has had to learn what is expected of him at school and he is learning many new life skills such as communication with friends and problem solving. I think he was almost to young to start all this when he did but he has proved he can keep up with the older kids. We are so proud of him

• I still feel like I am in a hard 'season' but my gosh I have so much to be thankful for and happy about. God has truly blessed me beyond measure and even though I can get sad I still want to praise him for his blessings.

Tidbits for Thursday!

Seems like lots going on but nothing to share! ha! I guess there's just nothing to exciting.....

• My sweet little brown dog has been right by my side lately, I guess he can tell I am hurting and wants to be close. He really has become such a good dog. This week Lucas was saying "come on buddy" and they would run around the house it was just the cutest thing.Brent said if we go to Arizona we will have to find a new home for Cooper and Chip to make things easier but I honestly doubt I'd be able to do that.....

• O my word this boy! He had us cracking up last night, he comes out with his razorback hat on in his underwear with his marshmallow shooter saying "I'm a bad guy!" Makes me laugh that he thinks all bad guys wear hats. Then Brent really got him going with the cobra tattoo. So funny!!

• Enjoyed some wine last week, I think I finally found the ticket to sleeping when Brent is gone a little wine and I am out like a light!

• Also while Brent was gone Luke slept in momma's bed. Yes he is spoiled and yes I love it :)

• Went to eat at Cheadder's with some family Saturday night, we had fun and ate good!

Other things going on.

• I had my first of (maybe?) many doctors appointments regarding this miscarriage stuff. My doctor was not concerned in the least bit, which is so nice to hear, and she doesn't want to do a bunch of tests she said Luke is the best test of all. I can and will have more healthy beautiful babies she said this just maybe a rough time for my body for some reason. She did want to get an x-ray of my uterus, I go in for that Tuesday. I'm toying with the idea of a blood test to show if my hormones are where they are supposed to be but she thinks that will be a waste of time so I don't know. I still think time will be my best bet for future pregnancies so that is what we want more than anything. I am learning SO much though all this: medical stuff, life stuff, me stuff, people stuff that I know I will be grateful for one day but that still doesn't mean it isn't hard. 

• Even though this is the hardest season of my life I am happy. Not always positive but truly deeply happy. I have said it once and I'll say it again if Lucas is our one and only little I will be just fine, Brent told me the other night he feels the same way, which was oddly nice to hear. He told me to never think I've failed him if we end up being a family of 3, we are blessed. I will never be able to explain how much this year has strengthened our marriage, we are in a place I'd only dreamed of. I may be hurting but I am still so much in love with my life :)

• We are doing family pictures this weekend and I have no clue what any of us will wear yet!

• I went and voted on Tuesday! I've never voted before, in my defense I've only been able to for these last two elections. It was kinda neat voting I felt happy to participate and even though I don't get riled up about those things it's still something I'm glad I did.

• I am very happy for a park date with a dear friend this afternoon. It is so comforting to talk with someone in the same season of life.

That's it! I'm thrilled for my low key three day weekend ahead!

Direction

I can't believe this is one of the first things I saw this morning. It was on a blog I read and I don't know why I picked hers first even though it wasn't first in my blog role.

After such an emotional afternoon yesterday then waking up with it on my mind and in my heart today.

Is God trying to tell me something else? I am trying to hear him but it's just so hard though all the noise.

I want to go though this being a light for Jesus, I want to come out on the other side to have learned something and to be of support of others that may go though this.

But some days it's just so hard. My feelings get hurt, others don't understand, and it can all just be exhausting.

I have prayed and prayed though this but I have yet to open my bible I will make an effort to search for the direction I am supposed to go.

Another Blow.....

I found out I was pregnant on September 27th it was a Thursday. On that Sunday my sister in law called to tell us she was pregnant, not knowing we had just found out we were as well. She was very upset because she knew we were just getting over our first miscarriage. Her and her husband were not trying for another one and honestly never thought they'd have another. I miscarried 2 weeks after she told me, we would have been due within a couple of weeks of each other. Hearing all the things about her pregnancy has been very hard on me. I am over the moon about being an aunt again and I am more than grateful for Waylon to have a sibling and Luke to have another cousin but right now I am hurting. I know the pain will ease up with time and I am counting on that.

Yesterday a very good friend told me her and her boyfriend were expecting. Again they weren't 'trying' and neither one are in the best situation yet God has chose to give them his precious gift. I want to be happy for her and I will one day but again the pain cuts deep.

I am asking God why and what is the reason for all this, I know he has something to do with all this because it is to ironic for him not to!

I was talking to my friend Ashley last night, she told me it may be one of God's tests to see if I will let the jealousy take hold of me or if I will trust in him to fulfill me. She also said to continue to show his love and not to be bitter or envious and he will bless us for being faithful to him. This all made complete sense! I had always thought this was a test of my gratitude but maybe it IS something more.

I will not let all this make me bitter, I will always love those girls and those sweet babies. I will not let it crush my spirit and I will try my hardest to be helpful and encouraging.

Honestly I am not envious of either of them and their situations. Both of their older babies are much younger than Luke and I wanted a lot of time with him before we had our 2nd. It's not that I want to be in their shoes but I am asking why not me? I know one day I will know the answer, in His time.

Luke and I went on a little afternoon 'date' yesterday,  we went to see ParaNorman and the lesson at the end was no matter how much you've been hurt don't become bitter because of it. Ironic much? Wow!OK I got it! Lesson learned! I will be praying for faithfulness and acceptance.

If I can say one positive thing about this year it is that I have grown. Grown within myself, my family, my heart, my way with people. I know it has made me better, softer, more empathetic. With Brent's accident at the beginning of the year and all this these last few months we have been though a lot but I can honestly say we are stronger than ever, individually and in our marriage. That to me makes everything worth it knowing we will be ok no matter what storm comes.

Loss.....

Losing a pregnancy is a horrible and scary thing. My doctor doesn't see newly pregnant patients until around 12 weeks unless you have had a prior problem then you go in at 8 weeks. My periods have always been very regular so I know when I'm pregnant if I am a day late, that's how I've found out every single time so we had a 4 week wait until we could see the doctor. 4 weeks is a long time when you are full of anxiety.

But I still thought this time would be ok. Timing couldn't have been any better, an early June baby right around my birthday, a summer baby I've always wanted so we could do swim parties in the future and far enough from Luke's special day so they could both feel special.

We want another baby so bad, we are hurting that this one didn't make it but all we know to do is try again.

Last night was hard. After such a fun weekend, a great time with Luke at the pumpkin patch and movie yesterday it just hit me out of now where. I finally gave in to the feelings and the hurt. I took it out on Brent as I always do yet that made me feel worse. For a week I have tried SO hard to be grateful. I want to thank God for my healthy husband and son yet I am so mad that he has taken my babies from me. I know he can take me being mad at him and I know he listens when I am asking for help.

Today will be a hard day too and I know many more will come but I know I will also have good ones. Lucas is my complete joy, he makes my days great, being with him yesterday at the pumpkin patch and seeing him so happy and being so good to his friends makes my heart literally hurt with love. He is such an amazing little boy and I have to praise God for him even if I am hurting. Luke doesn't deserve a sad mommy.

So with tears in my eyes I have to do something different, I have to let people in, I have to burden them instead of holding it all in and crumbling down one day. I can't keep going on acting like nothing happened because something did happen, a tragedy in my family and we have to learn to live differently.

The worst of it all.....

I have come to learn that not much is said about miscarriage and for some reason that kind of bothers me. Sure you can find message boards online with lots of info but it seems to be such a secret thing and I have to wonder why? I have found when I finally grasp the courage to talk to someone about it their reaction is almost always the same "that happened to me, my mom, my sister, etc" they have stories and that helps me so much. And while I hate that anyone has been though the same struggles as me there is something so comforting once you realize you are not alone. So I thought while I have these thoughts I am going to put them out there to help someone or to help myself. And if you have been though one or know someone who has I encourage you to do the same.

Losing a pregnancy is the horrible part. Losing your hopes and dreams of that little one.

To me the constant reminders of the life lost is the worst part.

• The constant reminder every time you use the bathroom for the next 2 weeks
• The bruises from all the needle pokes or IVs from all the blood drawn.
• The medical bills that pile in and have to be paid.
• Seeing and hearing about kids and babies not wanted.
• When your 3 year old asks about "my baby".
• When special dates come up, ultrasound dates and due dates.
• Emails or Text from places you have signed to get coupons or info.

Last night I finally acknowledged our miscarriages on FaceBook. I didn't do it for pity but I am tired of hiding it. It's a huge deal in our lives and those tiny lives will re-write our story. I felt so much better to be honest, to let people know I am struggling and that if you are you are not alone.

Another one.....

I am not sure I will find the right words to put into this post so bear with me.

This Saturday I had another miscarriage. We are so hurt and confused by this.

With our last one the doctor was for certain that it was just a bad chromosome and it was a fluke thing. She told us to wait 2 months and we'd be fine.

2 months went buy and the next month I was pregnant again! We couldn't believe it happened that fast! I wasn't charting days or doing any OPKs it just happened! We were ecstatic yet apprehensive. A few weeks went by, we only told a select few people just to be on the safe side, we were nervously awaiting for our doctors appointment.

Then Saturday morning I saw the first signs and knew what was happening. I was so sad and angry! How can this be happening again! Why is this happening again? My pregnancy with Lucas was perfect, why can't I carry another.

The day went by and we tried to stay optimistic, Sunday morning I called the doctor and asked for some Progesterone, the hormone that sustains pregnancy, to see it that was the problem. I took 2 of the pills but it didn't help much, I think it was just to late.

Monday I went to the doctor and they confirmed the baby was gone. I knew it would be but needed to be told for certain.

I am scheduled for testing on November 6th. I am thankful they are going to do the testing and I am praying that nothing that can't be fixed is wrong.

I know God has a plan and I am ok with that, I am choosing to stay optimistic though this and I am truly learning what a precious gift babies are. Our time will come and that baby will be so very loved!

I am SO very thankful for Brent and Lucas, they keep me happy. I am thankful for good friends that I can talk to, and I am thankful for my heath and no pain.

Today I feel pretty good. I will be happy to get "life" going again without being so full of anxiety and I am ready to spend the holidays with my lovies.

Life is still SO good and I have SO much to be grateful for!

But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more
Psalm 71:14

Thoughts.....

• I know it's only Wednesday but I have so much going on in my head right now I just had to get somethings out :)
• The past few weeks have been a whirlwind with emotions, I just want myself to go back to normal but I'm afraid I never will. Losing my pregnancy has been completely life changing and while I've tried to look and act "normal" I'm just going through the motions to get on the other side of it all. I read this on one of my favorite blogs, she was talking about her recent miscarriage. "It was a terribly confusing time for me.  More than anything, I just wanted to move past it.  I didn’t want to talk about it.  I didn’t want to cry about it.  I just didn’t want to be the “girl who had a miscarriage”.  But, it is impossible to not be–when you are." That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I almost fell out of my chair when I read that it is so accurate to my feelings. God has still been so good though all this, I have a loving husband who has shown such love and has completely been my rock and I have my Lucas who has kept me going and happy and I am the most grateful I have ever been for him.
• I am SO beyond ready to be pregnant again, I truly miss it. I don't think I will ever be able to look at pregnancy the same way either but I know our next baby/babies will be showered with so much love and desire for their little souls. It takes my breath away thinking about it.
• One week from today we will be packing up the Tahoe and heading to Branson the next morning for a few days away with family and friends. I could not be more excited! We are gong to the "big" water park, riding the ducks, eating lots of yummy stuff, shopping, and who knows what else. I think it will be so good for me to get away from things for a few days.
• We are also going to start our floors and cabinets in the kitchen next week! Brent and I are both off work all week so hopefully we can get the majority of it done before our trip.
• I clipped Chloe's hair again this weekend and it doesn't look bad at all! I was very proud of myself ha! Cooper is my next victim and I have a feeling his won't come out quite as good, it could be the wiggle factor of them both!
• The heat is seriously killing me! I hate it! Brent told me the other day we probably have 8 more weeks of it! I wanted to cry hearing that!
• I am missing my best work buddy terribly, I know she is having so much fun at her new job though!
• So Brent and I got 2 date nights last weekend, yes TWO! Friday night we went to see Ted which was hilarious! And Saturday night we went to eat and see The Hunger Games which was good and kept me watching but was quite disturbing even for me, I can't imagine kids watching that and I'm the girl who watches Family Guy with my preschooler so I think that says a lot coming from me ha!
• Well friends I think that's it! I hope this all finds you well!

Number two....

This is the post I never wanted to write.

This is something no momma ever wants to talk about.

I feel like I am part of some club that I never intended on joining.

On June 28th I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive! I had already kinda knew it would be, I was a few days late and just had that feeling.

We were ecstatic! It was earlier than we had "planned" on having #2 but we reworked our plans and everything was going to be ok, well it was going to be better than ok it would be great!!

We chose to tell our parents, my sis in law, I told my close girlfriends of course and Brent told his boss and few guys at work who are in the same season.

We were so excited, we told Luke that a baby would be coming to live with us soon and he was over the moon and talked about it everyday. He said he wanted to name "her" baby Lucas and that daddy would have to go to WalMart to buy her. He was excited because we were so excited.

Morning sickness never happened and I never had that exhausted feeling. I thought it was God being nice to me trying to raise a little one and being pregnant but I longed for the morning sickness, I needed something to tell me everything was going as it should. Since my last pregnancy was so healthy the doctor didn't need to see me until I was about 9 weeks, I think that's pretty normal so we waited and waited.

Last Tuesday I started spotting brown blood? maybe not sure what it exactly was. Sorry this may get kinda graphic. I tried not to think much of it and didn't tell anyone about it. I thought it was because I had went on a long walk the night before and over did it. Wednesday I woke up to the same thing, once I got to work I had even more, by this point I was getting really worried, I called my doctor's office and they referred me to the Emergency Room. I went. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Everything came back good! I saw the heartbeat! My hcg level was good, and they confirmed I was 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant! I went home relieved and stayed on the couch the rest of the night to try and rest. I went to work Thursday and had the same brown showing up but thought surly this will stop soon. Friday I went to work with the same thing, I felt like the spotting was coming to an end and felt at peace with it. I went to the bathroom at lunch time and had lots of blood, more red this time. I was so very worried. I called the doctor's office and they said go to the Emergency Room immediately. I did.

My worst fear was confirmed. My hcg levels had dropped and I knew what was happening. I was told to call my doctor's office Monday morning she wanted to see me. I was devastated. Brent still had hope and spent the rest of the evening googling and finding stories where this had happened and everything turned out ok. I knew this was not going to be our case.

Around 10pm I started to have some cramps around 11pm I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion I think, but woke back up at 1:30 I went to the bathroom and had lots of  red blood and clots. I was up the rest of the night. I took some ibuprofen and that helped the cramps tremendously. I could rest but I couldn't sleep I stayed up and watched t.v. and played solitaire and prayed. I prayed for no pain and that my body would be ok though all this. 

Saturday morning once Luke and Brent were up I went ahead and got up and did some laundry but mostly stayed in bed. I never slept but I did rest. Saturday night we went to WalMart for movies and some stuff to make dinner. I was feeling pretty good. I went to sleep around 11 and slept all night.

Sunday I woke up and felt great! I had no cramping but was still bleeding. I wanted to have a fun day with Lucas so we took him to the mall and went to the candy store and the playplace and walked around. We ate an early dinner and headed home. I still felt really good. I dropped the boys off at home and ran to WalMart really quick. I came home and decided to go on a walk. I did.I slept good that night.

I got up Monday morning and got around to go to work but called the doctor's office on the way in. After some confusion I was told at 8:30 to head on in Dr. Householder will be in at 9:30. So I did. Brent met me there. I had blood work again and then went to get an ultrasound. It was really surreal to be in that room. I thought of all the happy things that have happened in that room and how ours probably won't be like that. I had visions of when we saw Lucas for the first time that way and how full of promise seeing your baby for the first time is. I was already heartbroken even before she could start. I knew Brent was going to be hurt so bad.

The ultrasound confirmed we did indeed lose the baby. We left there and went to talk with the doctor.

Dr. Householder is so good. She talked to us for a long time and told us we would be ok and that my body was working as it should though this. Brent got to ask his questions and she told us she doesn't see any reason that we would have any trouble in the future with having babies. She told us 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So if we have 3 kids (like we want) we will be "the norm", that was kinda weird yet oddly nice to know. We both felt better after talking to her but are still trying to come to terms with all this.

In such a terrible happening I am still choosing to see God in this. I have to, it's the only way. I know he has a plan for all my babies weather they stay with me or with him.

There have been three circumstances that have really stood out to me though this and I don't want to forget them.

One, when I took the pregnancy test I was happy yes but I was also so apprehensive. I remember telling my mom that something does not feel right with this one. She assured me every pregnancy was different which I kinda knew but something was just off. I tried to not think of it and put it at the back of my mind but it was always there. I think it was God preparing me.

Two, on Friday when I was in the ER Brent's dad called him out of the blue and asked him if everything was ok, of course it wasn't. His dad could feel that his son was hurting and worried. Amazing.

Three, After I left the hospital on Friday all I wanted to do was to see, feel, and be with Lucas I could not drive to his school fast enough. I got there right as naptime was over and yet he was still asleep his teacher told me he had just now fallen asleep, they lay down for nap at 12 and it was after 2. She said she could not get him down until just then. I think that he knew I was upset and hurting and he could feel something wasn't right. Truly amazes me.

Today I feel ok. Still so sad and almost shocked but I will be ok, we will be ok.

I prayed for Grace and Faith though this whole thing and I think I have been given a hearty slice of both.

 I really feel God has pulled me though and has taught me a few hard lessons.

And I know one day when I leave this earth, I will see a blond haired, big cheeked angel and I will know s/he is mine :) 

I will never know why these things happen, I will never understand why it has to be this way but I do believe everything happens for a reason even if it is hard to see sometimes.