Today.

Today I am feeling good, fulfilled, and loved.

I have had some very good days lately. This weekend was really good, I can feel my heart softening about certain things. We had a family birthday party Saturday and I was not sad to see my sister in law. We went to Toys R Us and I even found and bought an outfit for my new niece Emmy, that was a pretty big deal, I think.

Sunday I did something I never in one million years thought I would ever have the courage to do, I felt empowered after that and beautiful and special.

I have been praying some, reading some, and listening to music a lot. Still haven't journal-ed but I am really hoping to try that soon too.

This brings me to yesterday. It was Monday and I think I've got some sort of head cold or allergies going on and I just wasn't feeling good. I talked with Brent this weekend about how I am not being the best I can be when it comes to relationships. I have not reached out lately to many people and I've felt I need to start doing that more. So I reached out yesterday and got my feelings hurt. It brought me down, really down. I feel like I am on a revolving door and keep getting smacked by it. I feel so vulnerable to others' words and that is such a awful feeling.

I know time heals all. I am still relying on time and prayer. I know I will be ok, I can feel myself coming out of this. I am very blessed and I know God loves me.

Last night Brent and I had a long conversation about how I am feeling and how others have reacted to our sadness. It's been a very hard road. I am still not "over it" as others sometimes make me feel like I should be. I know that is normal, I have read many books on the subject.

Brent is so positive about our future as a family and I am scared to death. I hope that fear leaves me.

I'm pretty sure my love language is quality time, I always feel so much better after talking to Brent, I am very blessed with a husband who cares about my feelings, I know that many women do not have that.

Getting away from facebook has really helped, gosh wish I would've done that months ago but goodness I'm so nosey and afraid I'd miss something! ha! What a joke!

Day to day I am really truly loving how my life has turned out. When I am home with my boys or out running errands or even at work I am loving being a family of 3, I am loving connecting with my husband on a level I had only dreamed of, I am loving all this time I get with Lucas without any distractions, I am loving having time for myself on the weekends. It's only when something on the outside reminds me that I have two babies in heaven that I feel sad. It's truly such a weird feeling to be so happy yet so sad.

I am still very hopeful for this year and I know we will be just fine, we have so much and I have to be grateful for that even in my healing.