I found out I was pregnant on September 27th it was a Thursday. On that Sunday my sister in law called to tell us she was pregnant, not knowing we had just found out we were as well. She was very upset because she knew we were just getting over our first miscarriage. Her and her husband were not trying for another one and honestly never thought they'd have another. I miscarried 2 weeks after she told me, we would have been due within a couple of weeks of each other. Hearing all the things about her pregnancy has been very hard on me. I am over the moon about being an aunt again and I am more than grateful for Waylon to have a sibling and Luke to have another cousin but right now I am hurting. I know the pain will ease up with time and I am counting on that.
Yesterday a very good friend told me her and her boyfriend were expecting. Again they weren't 'trying' and neither one are in the best situation yet God has chose to give them his precious gift. I want to be happy for her and I will one day but again the pain cuts deep.
I am asking God why and what is the reason for all this, I know he has something to do with all this because it is to ironic for him not to!
I was talking to my friend Ashley last night, she told me it may be one of God's tests to see if I will let the jealousy take hold of me or if I will trust in him to fulfill me. She also said to continue to show his love and not to be bitter or envious and he will bless us for being faithful to him. This all made complete sense! I had always thought this was a test of my gratitude but maybe it IS something more.
I will not let all this make me bitter, I will always love those girls and those sweet babies. I will not let it crush my spirit and I will try my hardest to be helpful and encouraging.
Honestly I am not envious of either of them and their situations. Both of their older babies are much younger than Luke and I wanted a lot of time with him before we had our 2nd. It's not that I want to be in their shoes but I am asking why not me? I know one day I will know the answer, in His time.
Luke and I went on a little afternoon 'date' yesterday, we went to see ParaNorman and the lesson at the end was no matter how much you've been hurt don't become bitter because of it. Ironic much? Wow!OK I got it! Lesson learned! I will be praying for faithfulness and acceptance.
If I can say one positive thing about this year it is that I have grown. Grown within myself, my family, my heart, my way with people. I know it has made me better, softer, more empathetic. With Brent's accident at the beginning of the year and all this these last few months we have been though a lot but I can honestly say we are stronger than ever, individually and in our marriage. That to me makes everything worth it knowing we will be ok no matter what storm comes.