Saturday, March 2, 2013

Deep Breaths.

I rarely post on Saturdays, I try and save my weekends for family and cleaning house! ha! But I just had to get this out.
This past week my mind has not been my own. I have been utterly consumed with another baby. I have been so obsessive I have put my current baby on the back burner and I don't even know where my husband has been. This is tragic to me. I have said things to Brent that I wish I wouldn't have, I have made him feel like him and Luke are not enough. My heart breaks to type this.
They are more than enough.
Deep breath.
I guess with the recent news of my best friend starting to try to for baby #2 and around this time was the due date of my first loss I just can't stop thinking about it. I have numerous friends, my sister in law, and tons of 'friends' on facebook who are expecting and some days I just wish I was still pregnant too. To share my joy and post belly pictures along with the masses.
And truly deep down in my heart of hearts that is ok. I am ok with not being pregnant right now. I can see the bigger picture. I know one day I will be again and things will be best that way. But in the moment it isn't easy.
Today eating breakfast I cried talking about this with Brent. He can't understand why I am letting 'others' affect me this way. He says that is not me. And it really isn't but there is so much more to it.
Our 'plan' was always to wait until Luke was 5, our 'plan' is going along just swimmingly even though I have wished it wasn't. Why is our plan still going fine while everyone elses' isn't? 
Deep breath.
On the way home I was thinking of this post, when I got home I prayed. I asked Him to take this burden, I can't hold on to it any longer. I have to let it go for the family I have already been blessed with. I prayed and then I typed this up.  I want to have a good night with my husband. I want to have a fabulous summer with my sweet boy. I can't and won't do this to myself anymore. Anytime I feel a little sad, or left out, or jealous I will pray. I know I should have been doing this all along but I am not good at this stuff. This will not take over my life.
When the time is right I will get have more babies until then that will not be my main focus. I won't let it. Lucas is growing so fast and I want to really sink myself into him this year. He will be playing t-ball, we have lots of trips to go on, and lots of fun to have. I am so lucky my heart swells when I think of all my blessings I just wish my mind wouldn't run so far out of the loop!
Deep breath.
*if you got this far thinks for keeping up with me :) sometimes I feel like I am a revolving circle of emotions with all this.


Tonia Hobbs said...

Bless your heart! Do you know anyone that is going through the same thing? I know that would be helpful, maybe? I want to encourage you, but I will admit I have never felt the longing and pain you are feeling. (I look at my husband and BOOM! I am pregnant. . .thus the surgical procedure on his part). I do understand Motherhood though. Lets just keep praying. . . Gods timing is perfect, and so is his plan. Hang in there sweet girl!

Katie said...

Thank you for your kind words :) I do know a few ladies who went thourgh this but it has been some years ago, they assure me time is the only thing that helps. I hope they are right. Yes my problem isn't getting pregnant it seems to be keeping them. Of course we are on 'break' from all this to give my body some time, I did a few tests and nothing came back wrong (which can sometimes be more frusterating). I feel really ok most of the time I guess the due date hit me harder than I had planned on. Thank you for your prayers that means a lot. See you soon :)