I had to write this today. Not tomorrow, today. I wanted to write it last night. I was up all night I just couldn't turn my brain off. Well that and my sweet puppy (who is not so sweet barking at 1:00am) just won't hardly stay in his crate anymore but that's a story for another day.
Let me just say I am not a bible study type of girl. I'd never done one before and honestly never thought about it until Tonia started talking about leading one. I prayed for her if it was Gods will that she would take on this challenge and if it was also in His will that I might attend.
Then she announced the book she would be doing it over and I just knew I had to be there.
You see I have been a very simple christian for the past few years. Sure when it's comfortable and easy I am a stand up believer in Christ. But when I wasn't sure if I would be judged or put down or thought of differently I would remain quiet. I never did the hard stuff. I never tested myself. I tried the small group route at church 3 times and since that wasn't my niche I just quit I guess.
And if I am being honest up until my miscarriages I really wasn't talking with God much at all. He was always on the back burner. I knew He was there, I believed in Him but wouldn't take time out of my day to have a relationship with Him.
My life was good I didn't have anything to 'work thru' I didn't have emotional or relationship problems. My husband and I had a perfect courtship, engagement, and marriage. Luke is perfect. Our family was fine with the exception of losing our grandmas and his mom's Alzheimer's. But still nothing that we were struggling with. I didn't feel like I needed God.
Then I lost 2 babies.
I never in a million years saw that coming but I am for certain that God gave me those babies for such a short time so that I would reach out for Him. He knew I needed him. He knew the woman I was hoping to be wouldn't surface without His grace. He knew I needed a few hard lessons.
I am not saying God gave me those babies and took them back to be mean or hurt me but I think we all have a point in our lives where we turn to Him with wreck less abandon and most times that is when we are truly struggling. When we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This study is opening up doors and windows I never even dreamed of. It's showing me a relationship I knew nothing about. It's just been so good.
I am blessed with the time and resources to attend. I am blessed that Tonia is such a great and real leader. I am blessed with another chance to claim my Christianity.
I have so much room for improvement. I cannot count the ways I want to be a better person. It's hard to make the choices to do good every single day. And I don't always. But I want Lucas to see me have a relationship with God, I want to answer his questions when they come, I want to show him that no matter what he is loved most by his maker.
How could I do that without His everlasting Grace? I need Him.