Back in July I wrote this post. It was before I found out I was pregnant for the first time this year. While I still really feel that tug I am feeling something else too.
I have changed SO much in the last 6 months I don't even feel like the same person sometimes. It's the weirdest feeling but I am thankful nonetheless.
My oldest childhood friend recently lost her baby. I was heartbroken. I was at work when I received her text and I felt as if someone punched me in the gut. I just couldn't believe it. I kept thinking 'no, not her too' I knew the heartache she was going though and would face in the next weeks and I just couldn't bear the thought.
I feel like in a way I am on the other side of my 2 losses but to see someone close to you deal with the same thing so recent to yours is tough. Most of all I don't want her to feel alone.
I think that was the hardest part for me, feeling so completely alone. Sure I had Brent and he did the best he could but it wasn't his body. I was the one up for days straight dealing with 'things' in the dark just me and God. I remember being so angry with Him and not understanding what his plan was and why I was suffering so much.
I just don't want other ladies to feel alone during this, I want to do something. I don't know what though.
The past few days I've been reading a book called All That is Seen and Unseen: A Journey Though a First Trimester Miscarriage, Oh how I wish I would've known about this book when I was going though my miscarriages. I still can relate to so much with it. My feelings about it all were very parallel with the authors, I feel that I wasn't alone in my feelings and that is a gift.
The only thing I do know for sure it that I will not be silent about my losses. I want to remember my babies and how they have changed me. I want to share their lives with others so they may learn. If not for themselves maybe for someone else, miscarriage does not discriminate, it can happen to anyone.
When I was going though mine I was so quiet, I knew people did not want to hear about me losing a pregnancy, and I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I still have very close family that don't know about those babies and that hurts. I think that is the main problem, society teaches us to keep quiet about it, to deal with it alone in your home and act normal when around others. And while that sounds like a great plan it's just impossible.
My very first step will be to read other stories and educate myself. I can do that easy. I also want to find a support group or other organization to get involved in surrounding pregnancy loss, but most of all I want to be a good friend if others I know find themselves in this situation. If I can help someone else not feel so alone though something like this I feel it's all worth it.