Number two....

This is the post I never wanted to write.

This is something no momma ever wants to talk about.

I feel like I am part of some club that I never intended on joining.

On June 28th I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive! I had already kinda knew it would be, I was a few days late and just had that feeling.

We were ecstatic! It was earlier than we had "planned" on having #2 but we reworked our plans and everything was going to be ok, well it was going to be better than ok it would be great!!

We chose to tell our parents, my sis in law, I told my close girlfriends of course and Brent told his boss and few guys at work who are in the same season.

We were so excited, we told Luke that a baby would be coming to live with us soon and he was over the moon and talked about it everyday. He said he wanted to name "her" baby Lucas and that daddy would have to go to WalMart to buy her. He was excited because we were so excited.

Morning sickness never happened and I never had that exhausted feeling. I thought it was God being nice to me trying to raise a little one and being pregnant but I longed for the morning sickness, I needed something to tell me everything was going as it should. Since my last pregnancy was so healthy the doctor didn't need to see me until I was about 9 weeks, I think that's pretty normal so we waited and waited.

Last Tuesday I started spotting brown blood? maybe not sure what it exactly was. Sorry this may get kinda graphic. I tried not to think much of it and didn't tell anyone about it. I thought it was because I had went on a long walk the night before and over did it. Wednesday I woke up to the same thing, once I got to work I had even more, by this point I was getting really worried, I called my doctor's office and they referred me to the Emergency Room. I went. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Everything came back good! I saw the heartbeat! My hcg level was good, and they confirmed I was 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant! I went home relieved and stayed on the couch the rest of the night to try and rest. I went to work Thursday and had the same brown showing up but thought surly this will stop soon. Friday I went to work with the same thing, I felt like the spotting was coming to an end and felt at peace with it. I went to the bathroom at lunch time and had lots of blood, more red this time. I was so very worried. I called the doctor's office and they said go to the Emergency Room immediately. I did.

My worst fear was confirmed. My hcg levels had dropped and I knew what was happening. I was told to call my doctor's office Monday morning she wanted to see me. I was devastated. Brent still had hope and spent the rest of the evening googling and finding stories where this had happened and everything turned out ok. I knew this was not going to be our case.

Around 10pm I started to have some cramps around 11pm I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion I think, but woke back up at 1:30 I went to the bathroom and had lots of  red blood and clots. I was up the rest of the night. I took some ibuprofen and that helped the cramps tremendously. I could rest but I couldn't sleep I stayed up and watched t.v. and played solitaire and prayed. I prayed for no pain and that my body would be ok though all this. 

Saturday morning once Luke and Brent were up I went ahead and got up and did some laundry but mostly stayed in bed. I never slept but I did rest. Saturday night we went to WalMart for movies and some stuff to make dinner. I was feeling pretty good. I went to sleep around 11 and slept all night.

Sunday I woke up and felt great! I had no cramping but was still bleeding. I wanted to have a fun day with Lucas so we took him to the mall and went to the candy store and the playplace and walked around. We ate an early dinner and headed home. I still felt really good. I dropped the boys off at home and ran to WalMart really quick. I came home and decided to go on a walk. I did.I slept good that night.

I got up Monday morning and got around to go to work but called the doctor's office on the way in. After some confusion I was told at 8:30 to head on in Dr. Householder will be in at 9:30. So I did. Brent met me there. I had blood work again and then went to get an ultrasound. It was really surreal to be in that room. I thought of all the happy things that have happened in that room and how ours probably won't be like that. I had visions of when we saw Lucas for the first time that way and how full of promise seeing your baby for the first time is. I was already heartbroken even before she could start. I knew Brent was going to be hurt so bad.

The ultrasound confirmed we did indeed lose the baby. We left there and went to talk with the doctor.

Dr. Householder is so good. She talked to us for a long time and told us we would be ok and that my body was working as it should though this. Brent got to ask his questions and she told us she doesn't see any reason that we would have any trouble in the future with having babies. She told us 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So if we have 3 kids (like we want) we will be "the norm", that was kinda weird yet oddly nice to know. We both felt better after talking to her but are still trying to come to terms with all this.

In such a terrible happening I am still choosing to see God in this. I have to, it's the only way. I know he has a plan for all my babies weather they stay with me or with him.

There have been three circumstances that have really stood out to me though this and I don't want to forget them.

One, when I took the pregnancy test I was happy yes but I was also so apprehensive. I remember telling my mom that something does not feel right with this one. She assured me every pregnancy was different which I kinda knew but something was just off. I tried to not think of it and put it at the back of my mind but it was always there. I think it was God preparing me.

Two, on Friday when I was in the ER Brent's dad called him out of the blue and asked him if everything was ok, of course it wasn't. His dad could feel that his son was hurting and worried. Amazing.

Three, After I left the hospital on Friday all I wanted to do was to see, feel, and be with Lucas I could not drive to his school fast enough. I got there right as naptime was over and yet he was still asleep his teacher told me he had just now fallen asleep, they lay down for nap at 12 and it was after 2. She said she could not get him down until just then. I think that he knew I was upset and hurting and he could feel something wasn't right. Truly amazes me.

Today I feel ok. Still so sad and almost shocked but I will be ok, we will be ok.

I prayed for Grace and Faith though this whole thing and I think I have been given a hearty slice of both.

 I really feel God has pulled me though and has taught me a few hard lessons.

And I know one day when I leave this earth, I will see a blond haired, big cheeked angel and I will know s/he is mine :) 

I will never know why these things happen, I will never understand why it has to be this way but I do believe everything happens for a reason even if it is hard to see sometimes.