I am not a worrier by nature. It is how I am able to stay sane when Brent isn't home at night. I am always thankful for this trait especially when I hear friends and family talk about how scared they are of things or how they worry all the time about things. That isn't me. I am rarely scared, I enjoy scary movies, haunted houses, I don't worry myself silly on a daily basis with all the awful things that could happen in this world.
But the past few weeks I have been worried.
I am worried sick about the time coming to think about another baby. I think how will I deal with another miscarriage? How will I get through the early weeks not knowing if everything is alright or not? How will I be the mom Lucas needs if I am consumed with fear for the baby I haven't even met?
What will I do if this happens or that happens? So on and on and on.
I am sick thinking about seeing a positive pregnancy test while it's what I have been aching to see for months now. How can this be? I want nothing more than to have a newborn in my arms but getting to that point is terrifying.
Can I trust God with this? Should I try and protect my family and myself by not going through with having more babies? Can I say "God have your will" and not worry about what happens right before or in the middle of vacations and holidays and life going so smoothly.
Because at the end of the day that is what all of this is about is trust. Trust in Him, trust in myself.
I have lots of fear with this but what I also have is faith. I have a whole bunch of faith that the fear is trying to squash!
I won't let it.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.