Number two....

This is the post I never wanted to write.

This is something no momma ever wants to talk about.

I feel like I am part of some club that I never intended on joining.

On June 28th I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive! I had already kinda knew it would be, I was a few days late and just had that feeling.

We were ecstatic! It was earlier than we had "planned" on having #2 but we reworked our plans and everything was going to be ok, well it was going to be better than ok it would be great!!

We chose to tell our parents, my sis in law, I told my close girlfriends of course and Brent told his boss and few guys at work who are in the same season.

We were so excited, we told Luke that a baby would be coming to live with us soon and he was over the moon and talked about it everyday. He said he wanted to name "her" baby Lucas and that daddy would have to go to WalMart to buy her. He was excited because we were so excited.

Morning sickness never happened and I never had that exhausted feeling. I thought it was God being nice to me trying to raise a little one and being pregnant but I longed for the morning sickness, I needed something to tell me everything was going as it should. Since my last pregnancy was so healthy the doctor didn't need to see me until I was about 9 weeks, I think that's pretty normal so we waited and waited.

Last Tuesday I started spotting brown blood? maybe not sure what it exactly was. Sorry this may get kinda graphic. I tried not to think much of it and didn't tell anyone about it. I thought it was because I had went on a long walk the night before and over did it. Wednesday I woke up to the same thing, once I got to work I had even more, by this point I was getting really worried, I called my doctor's office and they referred me to the Emergency Room. I went. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Everything came back good! I saw the heartbeat! My hcg level was good, and they confirmed I was 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant! I went home relieved and stayed on the couch the rest of the night to try and rest. I went to work Thursday and had the same brown showing up but thought surly this will stop soon. Friday I went to work with the same thing, I felt like the spotting was coming to an end and felt at peace with it. I went to the bathroom at lunch time and had lots of blood, more red this time. I was so very worried. I called the doctor's office and they said go to the Emergency Room immediately. I did.

My worst fear was confirmed. My hcg levels had dropped and I knew what was happening. I was told to call my doctor's office Monday morning she wanted to see me. I was devastated. Brent still had hope and spent the rest of the evening googling and finding stories where this had happened and everything turned out ok. I knew this was not going to be our case.

Around 10pm I started to have some cramps around 11pm I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion I think, but woke back up at 1:30 I went to the bathroom and had lots of  red blood and clots. I was up the rest of the night. I took some ibuprofen and that helped the cramps tremendously. I could rest but I couldn't sleep I stayed up and watched t.v. and played solitaire and prayed. I prayed for no pain and that my body would be ok though all this. 

Saturday morning once Luke and Brent were up I went ahead and got up and did some laundry but mostly stayed in bed. I never slept but I did rest. Saturday night we went to WalMart for movies and some stuff to make dinner. I was feeling pretty good. I went to sleep around 11 and slept all night.

Sunday I woke up and felt great! I had no cramping but was still bleeding. I wanted to have a fun day with Lucas so we took him to the mall and went to the candy store and the playplace and walked around. We ate an early dinner and headed home. I still felt really good. I dropped the boys off at home and ran to WalMart really quick. I came home and decided to go on a walk. I did.I slept good that night.

I got up Monday morning and got around to go to work but called the doctor's office on the way in. After some confusion I was told at 8:30 to head on in Dr. Householder will be in at 9:30. So I did. Brent met me there. I had blood work again and then went to get an ultrasound. It was really surreal to be in that room. I thought of all the happy things that have happened in that room and how ours probably won't be like that. I had visions of when we saw Lucas for the first time that way and how full of promise seeing your baby for the first time is. I was already heartbroken even before she could start. I knew Brent was going to be hurt so bad.

The ultrasound confirmed we did indeed lose the baby. We left there and went to talk with the doctor.

Dr. Householder is so good. She talked to us for a long time and told us we would be ok and that my body was working as it should though this. Brent got to ask his questions and she told us she doesn't see any reason that we would have any trouble in the future with having babies. She told us 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So if we have 3 kids (like we want) we will be "the norm", that was kinda weird yet oddly nice to know. We both felt better after talking to her but are still trying to come to terms with all this.

In such a terrible happening I am still choosing to see God in this. I have to, it's the only way. I know he has a plan for all my babies weather they stay with me or with him.

There have been three circumstances that have really stood out to me though this and I don't want to forget them.

One, when I took the pregnancy test I was happy yes but I was also so apprehensive. I remember telling my mom that something does not feel right with this one. She assured me every pregnancy was different which I kinda knew but something was just off. I tried to not think of it and put it at the back of my mind but it was always there. I think it was God preparing me.

Two, on Friday when I was in the ER Brent's dad called him out of the blue and asked him if everything was ok, of course it wasn't. His dad could feel that his son was hurting and worried. Amazing.

Three, After I left the hospital on Friday all I wanted to do was to see, feel, and be with Lucas I could not drive to his school fast enough. I got there right as naptime was over and yet he was still asleep his teacher told me he had just now fallen asleep, they lay down for nap at 12 and it was after 2. She said she could not get him down until just then. I think that he knew I was upset and hurting and he could feel something wasn't right. Truly amazes me.

Today I feel ok. Still so sad and almost shocked but I will be ok, we will be ok.

I prayed for Grace and Faith though this whole thing and I think I have been given a hearty slice of both.

 I really feel God has pulled me though and has taught me a few hard lessons.

And I know one day when I leave this earth, I will see a blond haired, big cheeked angel and I will know s/he is mine :) 

I will never know why these things happen, I will never understand why it has to be this way but I do believe everything happens for a reason even if it is hard to see sometimes.



Tidbits for Thursday

• What a roller coaster of a week this has been! I wish I could share more but the time isn't right, soon I promise :)

• Can you believe it I finally got to take my Christmas header picture off! We took some really cute family pictures this weekend. They were really simple and we didn't use any props and Lucas isn't even wearing pants but they turned out perfect! They really show us!

• We went for a low key dinner this weekend at Braum's and of course we had to get ice cream! I love this picture of Lucas and Brent.

• This is the hill I've been walking, it doesn't look like much but it gets my heart racing every time. I am sad my walking has come to an end for a few weeks but hopefully I can pick it back up!

• We don't have many plans this weekend I will be taking it easy, we have a birthday party on Friday night and hoping to take Luke to see the new Madagascar! I think I'm more excited than him! ha!

Have a great weekend!

Darn Dogs

Ok folks I am dealing with a serious issue. Well maybe this isn't serious to most but to me it really kinda is.

It's my dogs.

My sweet, loving, drive me crazy fur babies.

But wait I shouldn't say it like that because it really is only Cooper who drives me nuts. Chloe is and always will be an angel in my eyes ha! Although I think she does eg Cooper on some days.

Here is the thing, I love Cooper he is so very sweet and loves us and especially Lucas to pieces but he has turned out to be a lot of work. I know what did I expect with a new puppy and a 3 year old.

Last night I got the wild idea to put him up for "adoption" on a facebook page for pets. Well I didn't sleep a wink, I was up all night and I just wanted to go get him out of his crate and tell him I was so sorry.

I think I have mentioned this before but growing up mom taught me once an animal comes into your home you keep them, we NEVER got "rid" of animals and I honestly can't even stand that term. So Cooper would have been my first animal to part with like that.

When I got up this morning I took the post off the facebook page, I just can't do it.

With Brent's job he's out of town a lot, usually at least once a week but during the busy times it can be up to 3 times in one week! So all the house, pet, kid stuff falls on me and me only those days/nights and I am not going to lie it gets really overwhelming.

But the thought of one of my babies wondering what they did and why I don't want them anymore is more overwhelming than that.

So a new plan of action has occurred to me, I will spend more time with Cooper, keep taking him on his walks and rewarding him more with treats when he does good things. I am really going to have to make a conscious effort to do this but I will do my very best.

I guess what I am trying to say is I've come to my senses and I'm going to try and learn to take the bad with good.

Any advise on dealing with a full house?  Am I the only one who feels this way?

Tidbits for Thursday!

• These weeks are going by too fast! eeek slow down!!

• Have I said lately how much I still love our couch! Someone had an accident on it ,and it wasn't Cooper, this weekend and I just absolutely love being able to take the covers off and really get them clean! Makes my anxiety about my house stinking go way down! ha!

                                            

• Monday we went to the movies with Ashley and Ethan and saw The Pirates! The boys did not really like it and we left soon after we ran out of popcorn. We couldn't blame them it was pretty boring, but we went to the play area at the mall and they had a blast!

• Last Friday Lucas got to play hokey from school and spend the whole day with daddy! He got to have lunch with "the guys" and help daddy with race car stuff.

• We finally picked out our floor tile! We are hoping to have all the flooring changed in the house, kitchen cabinets painted, counter and back splash re-done and some paint on the upper part of the kitchen done by Christmas! Wheew wish us luck!!

• I've still been going walking/jogging in the evenings whenever I get the chance, I really enjoy the time to myself and getting outside.

• I call this, momma's happy place! ha! I love going to Target and any excuse I can use to get me in there I have tried! I love using their RedCard it always saves me a good chunk!

• I re-did a window mistreatment in the boys bathroom, I like it but I still don't think it's the one...... I hate having small windows!

• Is there anything better than sleeping babies! I wonder if I will ever tire of taking pictures while he sleeps and looks so innocent :)

I think that about sums it up! Have a great weekend!!

Husband Love!

*I was reading in my blog role and came across a post called "headband love" from one of my favorite blogers I thought it said Husband Love and thought hey why not show the husband some love ;)

I don't talk much about Brent on here when compared with Lucas but he is without a doubt my main man! He means the world to me and most days I can't believe I got so lucky with finding him.

He loves us with all his heart and lets it show everyday. Lucas is so blessed to have a daddy that truly loves him and will take time to play with him even after an exhausting day at work. Brent never complains when I don't cook or when the house is a mess. He is always willing and ready to help when I ask him to do something with Lucas or the house. When my days are long or sad he will listen without judging me or making me feel bad and always offers advice.

I can't believe in less than a month we will be married for 3 years, time has sure flown and so much has happened in the time we've been together, I wouldn't trade my days with him for anything.

We compliment each other well, we are opposites but think the same about what truly matters, I think that's what makes us "work".

I take for granted how loyal he is and I can trust him through and through, I've never had to wonder what he's thinking or what he's doing (which is an invaluable asset when we are apart so much with his work).

I love him with every part of my being and can't wait to see where the future takes us, I know it will be good since I have him :)

My Passion....

I'm not sure how many people know this about me, I don't think even all my closest friends know what my true passion is. My mom and Brent are the only ones I can remember talking in depth about it with. 

 I feel very lead to work with recovering Drug addicts.

I guess I kind of used to be ashamed to admit what I really wanted to do with my heart. I'm not sure the true reason I would be worried what people thought of my work, I guess I thought they would think it was a degrading job or that why would a nice girl like me with a nice job want to work with such people. But I guess since becoming an "adult" (I say that with a huge smirk on my face ha!) I feel really ok about sharing it.

I know exactly where and when my heart changed.

In high school and my one year of collage (ha!) my boyfriend had a really bad addiction problem. Our relationship started before he became involved in drugs but over our 3 years together he became very reliant on them. It was all he thought about and it was taking over his life and mine right along with it. I stayed with him for about a year after finding out about his problem I wanted to help him and see him though it and I did anything and everything that my young and immature self could.

I didn't tell my mom about his problem, I didn't tell my friends I was embarrassed and ashamed of him. I fought his demons alone and looking back that probably wasn't the best thing to do,  but I was so young and dealing with things I hadn't even known existed. I don't want to go into the awful details about our relationship but felt the background was needed.

His mom and I really tried to help him. I would go to NA meetings with him a lot and I remember learning so much, I loved going to those. At one point his mom called the police on him to get him put into rehab, looking back as a mother I cannot imagine having to get to that point but she knew he needed help and he wouldn't go on his own. Once he was placed in rehab I remember life got so much better! I was alone yes but the worry that he brought to my life was gone too. I was loyal to him and very committed to being on the other side with him after his time in rehab. While he was there his mind cleared and we got to talk on the phone and I sent him cards and I felt in a long time we were both truly happy.

Half way though his stay we (his mom, brother and me) got to go for family visit day one Sunday afternoon. This is where I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach by someone. He was at a local facility that was actually a huge old house. It did not feel sterile, it felt like someones home. We walked in and had to sign in and were led down the hall, where I remember seeing a guy caring a laundry basket, to a big living or maybe a better word would be meeting room. It had lots of chairs some were big and comfy like a regular living room chair others were just old metal folding ones which I'm guessing were put out just for that day. It felt good and I remember thinking how this place was not scary as I had imagined. We had to watch a video and take part in a enabler counseling session, which I loved I always loved learning about the disease that these people had and how family and friends can help them. After that we got to see him. I remember he looked so good, so healthy and happy and strong and I was so proud of him. We got to visit for a long time and after that, the day was over. With tears I remember walking out of that home and being so changed and happy and I remember thinking this is why I am here on this earth. I have such a heart for these people I hope one day I am given the chance to work in a place just like this.

As I sit here today typing this I cannot believe I remember everything about that day, the colors of the walls and chairs, the smell of the house, the layout of it, how he looked and what shirt he was wearing, how I felt.

Needless to say it did not work out between him and I. He got out of rehab and was ok for a while but relapsed pretty quick. He tried other ways of help but nothing ever worked and one day I was done. I was never mad at him nor have I ever hated him I just didn't have anything left to give him so I walked away. I pray for him often and hope he has found his place in this world.

I heard a song on the radio this morning about addiction "A Team" by Ed Sheeran and all those feelings came rushing back I felt I had to write about it.

This long post to say I have not forgotten my true passion, my life is so full right now and my mind has been completely full these past 2 weeks I can't believe this is wanting to take up space in there too! ha! If that makes any sense. I know it is God telling me not to give up and I am glad I was reminded of this and I truly hope once all my kiddos are had and in school I can really find somewhere that can use me for what I have to give.

If you are still reading this long post, you deserve a cookie!! ha!

One more thing, I used to think since I didn't have any "real" talents you know singing, dancing, a way with words, or smarts in a certain subject that maybe God forgot to give me something but since that day I've known what I am supposed to be doing it's getting there that will be the hard part......

The Weekend and The 4th!

I have some very exciting news I will be sharing in the next couple of weeks! So my mind hasn't been able to stop to do anything, so here I am doing a quick recap of the last week!

4th of July being on Wednesday this year was kinda weird! I was off work yesterday which made it feel like Saturday but now back at work it feels like Monday! I'm just grateful the real weekend is coming up!

Saturday we went to SuperHero day at Chick fil a! Lucas had a great time and got to meet some cool guys! He loved the "Green Guy", the hulk and got his picture made with a few of them! Fun day for little boys!

Then Saturday we went to a cookout at Brent's boss's house! We had a blast! Good food, good people, and a kids paradise! Lucas loved the trampoline most! All the little boys wanted to wrestle on it so fun! They got to swim and shoot fireworks too! It was a great night for sure!

We didn't do much on Sunday I cleaned house while Lucas napped and then we went to Papaw's to see the ducks! Brent's dad's neighbor has a pond and put some ducks on it recently most are grown but there is one little baby, so cute! They love to be fed and are so neat to watch.

Luke has already been over there to see them 3 times this week!

I think he's going to be just like his momma, loves animals of all kinds.

Helping me water the flowers on Monday!

He loves playing Angry Birds on my Kindle so we do this a lot at nights!

On Tuesday night we went to my sister in laws house, she was having a party for the 4th and Alma did their fireworks that night! We had a lot of fun!

Then yesterday Brent worked on his racecar all day and Luke and I had a lazy day until dinner time, we met up with my mom and dad at Chilies then went to see the fireworks at the square with Tom, Liz, and Carter!

The boys had fun running around and playing until the show started!

Lucas and daddy ate snowcones!

Lucas loves fireworks but after about 5 minutes of them he is board with them, ha! O well we had a great time and I'm so thankful we could all be together!

Hope you had a wonderful 4th of July!