The worst of it all.....

I have come to learn that not much is said about miscarriage and for some reason that kind of bothers me. Sure you can find message boards online with lots of info but it seems to be such a secret thing and I have to wonder why? I have found when I finally grasp the courage to talk to someone about it their reaction is almost always the same "that happened to me, my mom, my sister, etc" they have stories and that helps me so much. And while I hate that anyone has been though the same struggles as me there is something so comforting once you realize you are not alone. So I thought while I have these thoughts I am going to put them out there to help someone or to help myself. And if you have been though one or know someone who has I encourage you to do the same.

Losing a pregnancy is the horrible part. Losing your hopes and dreams of that little one.

To me the constant reminders of the life lost is the worst part.

• The constant reminder every time you use the bathroom for the next 2 weeks
• The bruises from all the needle pokes or IVs from all the blood drawn.
• The medical bills that pile in and have to be paid.
• Seeing and hearing about kids and babies not wanted.
• When your 3 year old asks about "my baby".
• When special dates come up, ultrasound dates and due dates.
• Emails or Text from places you have signed to get coupons or info.

Last night I finally acknowledged our miscarriages on FaceBook. I didn't do it for pity but I am tired of hiding it. It's a huge deal in our lives and those tiny lives will re-write our story. I felt so much better to be honest, to let people know I am struggling and that if you are you are not alone.

Lately.....

I feel like I have a ton of blog posts titled "lately" ha! but it always seems so appropriate, doesn't it?

If you are a facebook friend these might be repeats....

We have been enjoying this fall weather! Love getting Lucas outside for a bit and I love the smells and sounds of autumn. He loves to ride his "gator" a puts all kinds of stuff in the back that he finds around the yard for his "work" so cute! Cooper will chase Luke in this thing for hours it's so funny!

My fur babies happy and all cleaned up with hair cuts. They really are so sweet.

I have finally put out all my Halloween decor! I can't believe how much I am slacking this year :/

(Notice the counter tops and back splash in this pic, just gorgeous!)

Lucas and I went and picked out pumpkins yesterday! We had lots of fun and came home with 5!

Loving the orange with the blue stool :)

Snagged Luke for a quick picture.

And in other big news we bought a Mustang!!

Brent has been kind of on the look out for one for a while now and he showed me this one Sunday! Went Monday and brought her home! I am excited to have a "fun" car again.

Luke is completely in love and says "I need to go for a ride in my big mustang" I think we will have so much fun with this!

It's a 2003 Mach1, Brent will be happy I knew that but more important (to me anyways) it is so nice on the inside! All leather, nice sound, and pretty roomy for a tiny car.

And the kitchen is getting so close to being finished! All the tile is up and it's beautiful! So blessed with a talented hubby :)

And I think that's it! Seems like we like to do all big things at once around here ;)

Another one.....

I am not sure I will find the right words to put into this post so bear with me.

This Saturday I had another miscarriage. We are so hurt and confused by this.

With our last one the doctor was for certain that it was just a bad chromosome and it was a fluke thing. She told us to wait 2 months and we'd be fine.

2 months went buy and the next month I was pregnant again! We couldn't believe it happened that fast! I wasn't charting days or doing any OPKs it just happened! We were ecstatic yet apprehensive. A few weeks went by, we only told a select few people just to be on the safe side, we were nervously awaiting for our doctors appointment.

Then Saturday morning I saw the first signs and knew what was happening. I was so sad and angry! How can this be happening again! Why is this happening again? My pregnancy with Lucas was perfect, why can't I carry another.

The day went by and we tried to stay optimistic, Sunday morning I called the doctor and asked for some Progesterone, the hormone that sustains pregnancy, to see it that was the problem. I took 2 of the pills but it didn't help much, I think it was just to late.

Monday I went to the doctor and they confirmed the baby was gone. I knew it would be but needed to be told for certain.

I am scheduled for testing on November 6th. I am thankful they are going to do the testing and I am praying that nothing that can't be fixed is wrong.

I know God has a plan and I am ok with that, I am choosing to stay optimistic though this and I am truly learning what a precious gift babies are. Our time will come and that baby will be so very loved!

I am SO very thankful for Brent and Lucas, they keep me happy. I am thankful for good friends that I can talk to, and I am thankful for my heath and no pain.

Today I feel pretty good. I will be happy to get "life" going again without being so full of anxiety and I am ready to spend the holidays with my lovies.

Life is still SO good and I have SO much to be grateful for!

But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more
Psalm 71:14

Is it only Tuesday.....

• First off I just have to say my heart is literally breaking for the Turner family, it all hits so close to home and such a huge reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow. I just can't imagine.

• On a much lighter note we went on our semi annual zoo trip with Olivia, Ethan, and their mommies on Sunday! It was so much fun! A few meltdowns happened but that is inevitable but for the most part everybody was happy and having fun! We (mommies) got some big laughs out of the day and I will never forget these memories!

• After said zoo trip I was beyond exhausted I could not get into my jammies fast enough yesterday! We had Sonic for dinner and I pretty much stayed on the couch til time for bed! ha!

• Brent worked on the back splash some this weekend and I am really hoping (praying) he can get all the tile done this weekend, then grouted the weekend after. I need my kitchen back for our Halloween Party! We'll be cutting it close!

• Lucas will not decide on what he wants to be for Halloween! First it was a chicken, then it was Super Lighting McQueen (whatever that is?) then it was a convertible (I LOL at this one) and then it was an alligator and just last night it changed  to a spaceship! So we will see what he finally decides on!

• We are really hoping to make it to a pumpkin patch and a Halloween movie this weekend! I still need to buy pumpkins for the front porch and invites for the party, I feel like I am really slacking this year! Halloween is my favorite holiday and Lucas is so into it too makes it really fun!

• Last week Lucas and Carter were both wearing superman shirts! It was definitely worth a picture :)

5 Years!

A lot can change in 5 yeas but then again a lot can stay the same! On October 7th I celebrated my 5 year mark working at First National, I honestly can't believe it's been that long! I feel like it was just yesterday that I got the phone call telling me I got the job.

I worked my booty off to get this job and have been very blessed ever since.

I've learned so much about myself and about my abilities, I've made some great friends along the way too!

I'm very proud of this accomplishment for sure!

Wordless Wednesday!

Well almost wordless ha!

Today was fall picture day at school!

Lucas won't go anywhere with out "George" right now, he goes to school with him and stays in his cubbie until naptime :)

Sweet big boy!

Whew!

These past 7 days have been quite the rollercoaster ride and I'm not  just talking about our trip to the fair!

But we are getting by and today I am happy!

We didn't do much this weekend, we went to the fair on Friday night and it was so fun! Luke loves rides and I am getting so excited for the next 10 years of fair life! I think I'll finally have true riding partner that likes the rides like I do!

Brent is getting the kitchen completed slowly but surely with working 60+ hours doesn't give him much time to work on it but he got a good section of the backsplash up on Sunday and that made me happy!

I am so very glad it is October now if I can just find the energy to go pumpkin shopping it will make it seem like fall has hit.

Still planing a small Halloween party for Luke and friends! Hoping to get the invites out next week and some decorations bought this weekend :)

Luke will be going on another Zoo trip to Tulsa this weekend with Ethan, Olivia and their mommies! Lucas is very excited but I think I maybe more so! We'll eat lunch and stop off at the Disney store first then hit to zoo, hoping for some good chilly weather!

That's all I got, sorry for such a cut and dry post but I wanted to hit the high points before I forgot :)