Friendships as of late

I am going to get real down and dirty here, writing here is such therapy for me I just have things I need to get out! With walking and writing I am a new woman ;) anyway back to the topic....

Having friends when you are a grown up is hard! There I said it.

People are people, sometimes you agree with who they are and sometimes you won't, this is a hard concept for me. I am really struggling with some friendships lately and I honestly am at a loss on what to do or what not to do.I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to hurt. It's hard.

Isn't it funny how as a kid and teenager friendships are easy and really fun, and I know that's how it should be as adults but sometimes it isn't. As a younger girl my friends were everything to me. I am and always have been so very loyal as a friend and it would break my heart when others weren't that way, I just couldn't understand.

But now with a family of my own I am maybe not the best kind of friend. I try so hard to keep up with my friends and I so bad want them to know I care about them and hope they are doing well but sometimes they slip though the crack.

And sometimes I feel like maybe I am the one slipping though the crack, like that I maybe don't mean much to them. It hard to say those words without coming off as whiny or unfair but those are my feelings.

Often times I wonder if I need friends, I have an amazing family with who I enjoy spending time with why do I want friends at this stage of my life. My mom never really had friends, she of course chatted with parents of mine and my brothers friends and sat with other moms at our sporting events but she never had anyone she went on a 'girls night' with.

Recently I prayed that God would take my desire away to need a social life, I don't know what the outcome of that will be but I feel like if the desire was gone just maybe the hurt that others bring would be too. But I know weather it's friends or total strangers I'm going to be hurt in this life and learning to overcome it in grace is what I should be asking for.

I will say the social butterfly I once was has taken a backseat, I don't make any effort to make new friends whatsoever so is that what I am doing wrong? I am kind, I am not judgemental, and I can get along with anything all of that I know so why is this so hard? Is this just a rut and in a few years things will be fine?

All I know is that I am hurting and I have been waiting anxiously for someone to come along and make it better when really maybe I should be bettering myself and I will get my answer....